learning to be loved...

What's Left of My Summer and The Urge to Run...

2011-07-08T15:14:00.004-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for ya! Just needed to vent a bit and really in all honesty just ask you guys to be in prayer for me right now...

Well first of all, Summer... during this time it should be restful and relaxing time for me (since I'm not taking any classes) but unfortunately its not. I'm one of those people for some reason that, when left in seclusion long enough, I begin to start thinking about the future and start worrying about it. I know I shouldn't and I wish I could just stop worrying but that's the problem: I've never learned how to make myself do that. Trust me I wish I could but for whatever reason... I can't. Trying to take my mind off of it for time does help some but I know I can't do that forever; plus, it always comes back and hits me like a tsunami wave. Why? I don't know... issues with trusting God, uncertainty of the future, second guessing the choices I've made in life thus far, etc. Trust me though, there are some things I know for certain that I don't regret or second guess myself for doing: my missions trip to Mexico, starting school, dating my best friend whom I love, respect and adore, all the friends I've made here at TFC and at ACC (or Point University as they call themselves now). There is so much stuff (and people) I would have missed out on if I hadn't done what I have done. I just wish for peace right now in my troubled mind...

Of course because of this, my first and overwhelming reaction is to run for it! Run away and move on to something else and just start wondering on through life again. For whatever reason, I still have this reaction after all this time of me trying to trust in God and move in the direction that it seems God wants me to go in. But I know that the things I truly want and desire in life I'm never gonna get if I keep having that mentality and behavior in me. However the longer I stay put, the more worries, the more fear, the more uncertainty builds in me... WHY?! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?!?! Even through all this I seek God and try to better understand why I'm like this, searching my own heart and soul and trying to understand why I'm like this. Is it because of distrust having a hold of my heart for so long? Is it because of the constant moving about all my life and just learning to be emotionally detached for so long? Never having friends, never allowing myself to be known, never seeking and pursuing to love someone more than myself? Or a combination of a couple of these or all of them? I just don't know...
I do however know this: my God loves me, he has put people in my life who love me too and that no matter how much I worry whatever it may be I always make it through. Yes, it has always cost me something but isn't that the point of being a Christian? Yes we have the freedom and right to choose (so really I do have the freedom to run if I wanted to) but I know that if I do I would be turning my back on God, his will for me and those that I love most in life. I'm scared... I'm uncertain... I'm doubtful... but I choose to still try and walk on (even though at times it feels like I'm crawling on my hands and knees just to move forward). Why? Because in the end - no matter how eloquently I put it - it's seems to be the right thing to do and I know what I do the right thing that pleases God, my heavenly Father.
Also during this time, I finished Emerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect" and this quote that I read has pretty much haunted me for the past couple of days: "James 4:2 [You do not have because you do not ask] does not refer to asking God for health and wealth. It is talking about asking for power to cope with life's real problems. If anything is heard in heaven, it is the unselfish prayer, based on the heart of God. Too many people pray, 'God, here is what is on my heart. Please fulfill my desires for me.' What we should be praying is, 'God, here is what is on your heart. Please fulfill your desires in me.'" I guess right now I'm trying to figure that out too...

Well that's it for now! I'm heading home to see my family for the first time in a while! Gonna try and enjoy the rest of this summer as much as I can and not think too much about the future... hope to hear/see some of y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne :)

The Month of June and Resting Even Though I Don't Want To

2011-06-29T10:54:00.006-04:00

Hey guys! Sorry again for it being a while since I last posted but its been quite an interesting kind of month and definitely one that has taken quite a toll on me...

First of all, Rich and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary! It was so awesome... he took me out to eat and then surprised me by taking me to a drive in movie place for the very first time! It was so cool... we saw X-Men: First Class and since the movie was set in the 60s and all, it worked so well with the drive in theater. We had a blast!
After that week, things kinda started going downhill for me for a bit. For a few different reasons, that old part of me that is so use to moving around and not having a place to call home start rising up in me again and was becoming kinda restless and wanting to get out of this place. I don't know where it came from but it was definitely something I knew that I needed to handle and understand quickly. After talking to a few people and really trying to see what was going on, I think I understand what it was now: being so use to not staying in a place for so long, the habit of packing and moving was starting to get at me. I'm one of those people that in order for me to feel like I'm accomplishing something in life I need some kind of tangible evidence; for whatever reason, I think I translated moving from place to place as evidence me moving on and through life. But that's a problem... because that is not what I want in life. I truly want a place to call home and settle in a place for a time and grow deeper into the community. So now apparently there is this desire to find where I belong - my home - and the habit of always being on the move and not calling any place mine. There may be some of you out there that actually understand what I'm going through; no worries though... this heart's desire I'm starting to slowly see and realize is far stronger than the habit of always being on the move.

Well for some of you, y'all knew I got sick but for those of you who don't, I got terribly sick about a week and a half ago with a nasty sinus infection that had begin to turn into pneumonia. Not only was this very rare but completely inconvenient (well at least I think it was) because the next session for summer school was starting and I was wanting to attend to at least get a couple of classes out of the way. Not only was I pretty much bed ridden for the next week or so but I also was unable to attend any classes; so I withdrew from the summer session. I can not tell you how absolutely irritated I was by all this! First of all, I very rarely get sick (like it happens once or twice a year and generally I get over it in a couple of days - yeah I have one of those insanely strong immune systems) but for it to happen at just that time and for it to last that long made it impossible to get out of bed, let alone attend any kind of class. However in a matter of one day, I had 4 different people tell me the exact same thing (what makes it even more interesting is that 3 of these 4 people I don't even really know): "It seems for right now you just need to rest and take a break from school for a while..." Okay, I'm not one of those people that can NATURALLY take it easy; I mean even now I'm reading books and articles on marriage (like Dr. Emerson Eggrich's Love and Respect book - amazing book by the way), God's design for it (awesome articles on Focus on the Family's website on this topic)and its importance in the structure of family and community not because I'm bored but because this is what I'm studying in school to get a degree in. I have to do something! If I don't, I feel like a slob or something. However, I've begun to realize that resting is a good thing and is even something that God expects us to do (like "taking" a Sabbath I guess). For me, I'm just not use to resting. Slowly but surely God is showing me that resting and waiting is a good thing and that during this time I can use it to better myself in my walk with him and to do some reading and studying at my own leisurely pace in things that I've always wanted to dig deeper into.
In all honesty though, I really can't wait till I'm done with school... this stress and pressure crap is for the birds. Unfortunately though I still have two years left... *>.<*

Any ways, that's it for now! Hope all is going well for y'all and hope to see ya soon! Happy early 4th of July and later days!

~Jeanne :)

An Unexpected Break, Undergoing A Difficult Process and The Promises of God

2011-05-30T14:12:00.005-04:00

Hey guys! I know, I know... its been a while and I'm sorry about that but you know, alot of things have been happening and even though it seemed really bad has started turning out to be something beautiful...

Well this summer was intended for me to be somewhat of a "catch up" summer for me with school but alot of things happened with me at once and because of that it really knocked me for a loop and I realized really quickly that I needed to take a break for a while from school. For the past 4 years I've been going HARD CORE beginning with my almost year long mission trip to Mexico and then immediately heading into school afterwards where I've been spending the last 3 years of my life and it wasn't until in the past couple of weeks I've realized I haven't had a real breather in a while. So for the past couple of weeks and even for the next couple of weeks I'm taking it off and relaxing some and pursuing hard after God in ways I haven't really had a chance to do in a while.

Now when it comes to these struggles... well lets just say they have alot to do with my concepts and preconceived notions of marriage and families. For me right now I've had to go through the ringer about that. I still don't have all the answers (in fact I feel like I have no answers still) but I'm trying to understand alot of things when it comes to marriage and families. Of course I know that no family is perfect but if you've based alot of your ideals and notions about marriage and family on your own family because really that's the only example and tangible evidence of these ideals and notions in your life then its going to harder than anything in and of this world to try and start understanding any other form or concept of family. For me, my family is all I've ever had in my life; the only true stable thing over the years for me as I moved from place to place, changing in and out of schools and churches, always feeling and being treated by others that I don't belong, even coming in and out of heart broken relationships. My parents and my sister have always been there for me and it is almost unbearable whenever I see them going through struggles and I'm not capable of helping them - literally and figuratively. I feel like in some sense I owe them at least that for always being there for me when no one else was. However, because I relied so much on my family and looked to them for answers I forgot about the other being that has been in my life: my perfect Heavenly Father. Instead of looking to him for the right answers that my family couldn't give to me, there was ALOT of ideas that have developed over the years that either weren't true or falsely assumed by me. In the end, it is my fault that I've allowed myself to think and believe in the manner that I do about families and marriage and now I must throw out EVERYTHING that I thought I knew about family and begin this process all over again (and for those of you who know me, I hate these kinds of processes). I know that its time for me to move on, grow up and become the responsible adult that my parents worked so hard to raise me to be all these years; its time for me to let go and let God change me into the person he needs me to become to fulfill his will on this earth not only as I become a Family and Children's Minister but as I later on become a wife and a mother my self. Please pray for me right now as I begin this and ask that God would open my mind and heart and teach me in ways like he never has done before when it comes to what and how he truly designed families and marriage to be like.

Recently the most overpowering and consistent thing that I keep hearing and seeing in my quiet time and personal life is the promises of God and me being an heir of God. I can't help but see how this really will play into what I'm trying to learn about families and marriage but also one of the overall things I've been trying to deal with and be better at - trusting God. I know that with everything that has gone on in my life and all the people I've met and known, its hard to believe in promises and trust in people. One of the things that my dad taught me was, "Your word means everything. Your character, your integrity, your identity is based on the words you keep or break." For far too long, I've focused on how people will keep breaking this promises to me, waiting for them to pull that rug out from under me and unfortunately because of that its transferred over into my spiritual life and walk with God, hindering me from truly trusting in him. I feel like I've got to ask God for forgiveness everyday because of how much I've done it in the past and how I still do it now. Again, I ask that you pray for me as I begin battling against this notion that God isn't like that. I know in my heart of hearts he's not like that but of course (me and my logical self) because of all that I've experienced and seen in my life of people doing that, I can't help but translate as God being that way as well.

Well thanks for checking in on me! Hope y'all have a great and safe Memorial Day. I also want to say as special thank you to all the service men and women out there protecting all of us here and abroad who can't defend themselves. I also wish to thank and extended my deepest condolences to the families out there who have lost loved one due to them serving to fight for those of us who couldn't fight for ourselves. No word or deed could ever be done to replace that precious person you lost... thank you for having helped make that person who they were that they would pay the ultimate sacrifice for you and me.

Later days!

~Jeanne:)

A long overdue post: School is over with... for now, The fun I've been having and Pushing on in a haze...

2011-05-10T21:36:00.009-04:00

Hey guys! Sorry for not posting in such a long time... so busy with life, school and everything else in between happening! Hope all is going well for everyone... lets get to it, shall we?

So school is over for some people... however I'm one of those lucky few that in order to play catch up I choose to do summer school (can you hear the sarcasm in my words?) ;) Really in all honesty, I'm excited! I'm happy I get to catch up on my classes and learn some more this summer. Also during this time, I've been hired on as one of the female summer RAs here at the school so that will be fun, right? Anywho, I'll be taking some American Literature, God and Redemption, Power Encounter and Western Civilization II this summer! I can't wait...

Well beside school stuff, I've been having a little fun too! I've hung out with friends, attended nice, fancy like banquets and even helped my youth pastor boyfriend Rich out with his youth group. Its so much fun to hang out with those kids and help Rich it... I love doing it and getting to know each one of them more and more! :D Here's a few pics from the last couple of things I've had the absolute pleasure and delight of helping out with...

Again, its been such a blast to get to know these kids and their folks and being a part of this ministry!

Now when it comes to my spiritual walk... that's a little more difficult to pin point. Its just that I feel a little distant from God. In all honesty, I haven't been consistent with my quiet times and searching for God. I've been so loaded down with school and with different stuff when it comes to friends, drama, family, etc. What I do know is that I can't keep doing this... I feel like I'm in a haze and all I'm doing is walking forward, just daily doing the right thing when its required (and at times when its not) and just moving on. Each day I try and walk in God's obedience and sometimes that's alot more easier said than done. With summer school coming up next week and other responsibilities falling on me, I truly hope that I make that time for him. I truly do want and desire to change from the person I was and even am now and become that new creation he wants and wishes me to be. But I know its gonna take alot more sacrifice on my part... I've just gotta do it...

Well that's it for now! Sorry its not more, hopefully I'll be able to tell you alot more the next time I post! Hope all is well! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Updating since its been a while: School, Life, God and Everything Inbetween...

2011-03-26T13:59:00.000-04:00

Hey there guys! Its been such a long while... but between school, family, social life and the like I've hardly had much of a break! However now that I have a slight breather I can let y'all know what's going on in my life right now...

First and foremost, school is ramping up like it never has before! I mean I knew that assignments and papers and the like were going to be coming up and the expectations of papers in my new major (Family and Children's Ministry) were going to start getting a bit tough but dang! I REALLY wasn't expecting this... However I know God has led me in this direction for whatever reason and so I'm gritting my teeth and pushing through, giving my all and hoping I survive in the end... @.@; Also, I had to have my adviser interview for the department to get to know me and look over my application of being accepted into the department. Please pray that all goes well with that. Also, I'm trying my hardest to get into summer school and play "catch up" this summer with some of my courses. Pray that all goes well with that (especially financially).

Well when it comes to family and friends and significant others, all is going pretty well. Rich and I are still dating (it'll be almost 4 or 5 months now) and are enjoying it tremendously! We've learned ALOT about ourselves and about God in all this! Such a blessing to be in each others' lives the way we are especially when it comes to helping one another out whatever that may be (like how he helps me out with school and understanding ministry or how I help him with his youth ministry from time to time and continue encouraging him however he may need it). My family is still working hard and doing well... my dad is still looking for a job and working on his Master of Divinity degree while my mom is still working as a first grade teacher and she just got done with her masters degree and received her diploma the other day! I can't wait to go to her graduation ceremony... So proud of her... :D My sister is still singing and writing music as always and working hard! Like I said, all is going pretty well... :)

Now when it comes to God and my walk with him right now, let's just say its focusing ALOT on trust. After pursuing God in this sense for so long, now it feels like God is asking me and encouraging me to trust him and others in far deeper levels than I ever had before and I'm not going to lie: it terrifies the ever living snot out of me! I know this may sound weird and even contradictory to how I usually sound but bear with me. Most of my life, anything and everything good I've strive after (whether that was dreams, guys, careers, etc) was either denied to me or it was given to me for a short time and then taken from me ...- either way, some serious wounds came about as a result making it hard to trust God and others and causing me to result to investing very little in personal relationships with others cause, "Hey! What does it matter? I won't be here long anyway...". In a sense you could say, my biggest insecurity is that God denies me some of the great things in life for whatever reason He seems fit. Now I know in my heart of hearts that God is a faithful and loving God and that he grants us the desires of our hearts in one way or another. However, me being a very logical and analytical person, I can't help but deduce God being like this because of the experiences I have had in my life.
During this time, I'm also going through Beth Moore's "So Long Insecurity" book (via podcasts) and that has definitely been doing a number on me. Not only am I addressing my own self made insecurities but insecurities I've developed due to others or even some of the things God has taken me through and that I've taken away from those experiences. Right now I just ask y'all to pray for me in all of this... I know that once I start really battling this and conquering it so many things are going to start opening for me when it comes to life and understanding and walking with God.

Well that's it for now... I hope this wasn't too much or even too little for you! Take care and hope to hear/see y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

The Growing To-Do List, Valentine's Day and When God Writes Your Love Story...

2011-02-08T14:04:00.003-05:00

Hey there gang! Its been quite busy.. sorry for the delay in blog posts but here we go! :)

So naturally as it happens in school, things are starting to pick up in classes and their assignments. I have quite a few projects and papers coming up and I've been trying to stay ahead of the game. Things are looking good but now I have other things to add on to that though: finding a car, finding a job, lining up stuff for the summer so I can stay up here in Toccoa to do summer school and all, tax stuff, etc. Yeah, if it isn't one thing then its another right now. I'm also trying not to get frustrated but that's easier said than done. >.<* Just praying for patience and stead-fastness in all of this so I can get it done and done well! :)

Yeah so Valentine's Day is coming up. Not gonna lie... I'm kinda excited! ^.^ Rich and I are planning to do something (what exactly I'm not too sure but he does) and not to put pressure on him but this will be my very first Valentine's Day with someone... ever! Valentine's Day was, to me at least, like another Easter or Christmas where it was about getting candy than anything else (while telling others in your life -parents, siblings, friends, etc- that they're special). But as time went on, it became more of that "Singles Awareness' Day" for me. Now however, I'm really excited that not only do I get to be part of the festivities like other couples do but more so I get to spend it with someone who's not only my best friend but someone I care so deeply for and treasure so much so in my life! Its so wonderful... :D

So keeping with the "love" theme, I want to let you guys know that I've found this book that I've heard alot of people recommend to me but was kinda hesitant to read: "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy. Not gonna lie-sounds like a great book but I'm a little scared in reading it. Not too sure what is going to be said in it but I know that as soon as I read the intro into the book and the very last sentence really gets to you, maybe it would be a good thing to read it: Will you let Me (God) write your love story? The true Author of love and relationships wants to create and design a unique and powerful love story that not only transcends the best love stories the world has to offer but that in the end centers and glorifies him. I'm scared... but I can't help but wonder what exactly it would entail. All I know is that I have this feeling that this book could wreck me... and it might just be that I need that... :)

Well that's it for now! Sorry it wasn't too long or extensive like it usually is. Hope y'all are having a great week and hope to see ya soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Spring semester underway, Finding my passion and A book by John...

2011-01-24T21:25:00.003-05:00

Hey guys how's it going? Hope all is well.. things are going pretty well for me right now. But lets cut the formalities and get to what you are really here for... ;)

So yeah! I started my second semester here at Toccoa Falls this past week! It was pretty stressful at first because I signed up for three CE (Christian Education) classes - which all you do is write MASSIVE papers in- and then a couple of required classes as well as signed up for a student ministry! However, when I looked at the syllabi for all my classes and the requirements for student ministry... I literally curled up in a ball and cried I was so stressed out! So I (begrudgingly) dropped one of my CE classes to lighten the loads so I actually gained my weekends and free time back! :D In all honesty, it was some of that but more so if I'm going to learning and studying this stuff in which is going to more than likely require me to later apply and use in life for the vocation I've been called to, I need to FULLY understand and retain as much of this stuff as possible. Cause hey, these are just any lives I'm going to working with and help to lead to the Lord but children's lives and souls - heavy responsibilities my friends... :S

So with the classes I'm taking now, I'm slowly being introduced and understanding some of the things that are being asked and called for from people who are going into ministries and not just children and youth ministries but more so FAMILY ministry! If there is anything that I've figured I have a passion for its for the concept and vision of what family is and really what God intended it to be. My passion has become this and the importance of syncing the various ministries of the church so that it may better serve the family and putting the responsibility of educating the children and yourself in a better understanding of God and his will for everyone's life! As I've begun finding and establishing a desire and goal for the kind of ministry I wish to one day construct and do in a church, I'm learning more and more the importance of a child's soul and how when a child is well established in a Christian worldview they are more likely to continue their relationship with Christ and be far more effective Christians in this world than the generation before them was. I can't wait to see what I learn and what desire and passion comes next... :D

So right now with school getting under way and yet to find a good book to read for my devotional time, I'm walking through and reading the Gospel of John. "Truly, truly I say unto you" that his guy loved Jesus (probably why he was called the Beloved Disciple). I'm up to chapter 20 now where Jesus has just been crucified and taken down and buried. But today one of the chapters I read was about when he was before Pontus Pilate being tried and the Jews wanting Rome to crucify him. First of they said they brought him to the Praetorium (generally the place where the governor of that area lives and works), very early in the morning! Meaning these dudes drag Jesus to the Governor's house possibly before or even when the sun is rising and starting banging on Pontus Pilate's door to get him to come out and judge Jesus (no they couldn't go in because then they wouldn't be able to partake in Passover). Really... if you were Pontus Pilate and some dudes (who probably really don't like nor care for much) come banging on your door before the butt-crack of dawn wanting you to trial a man who you know nothing about? Or maybe he did... after all this happening, Jesus is summoned inside and the first question out of Pontus Pilate's mouth is "Are you the king of the Jews?" Maybe he had seen and/or heard about Jesus and probably already knew the stigma this guy had amongst some Jews. Of course Jesus asks him if he was saying this willingly or if someone told Pilate about him. Of course Pilate tells him he knows nothing and begins asking him again whether or not he was a king. Jesus tells him he has answered correctly and tells him, "For this I have been born, and for this I have come into the world, to testify to the truth. Everyone who is of the truth hears My voice.” Then Pilate states one of the oldest philosophical questions ever: "What is truth?" After that all it says is that he had him flogged, found no guilt in him and was about to turn him over to the Jews who were about to have him killed when he found out another fact about this man: He claimed to be the Son of God. Pilate immediately returns to Jesus and asks him where he was from. No reply. Then he said something that probably struck a nerve with Jesus: "Do you know I have the authority to save your life?" In that one sentence, whether knowingly or not, he literally spat not only in the face of God and his authority over all things but he also spat on the greatest mission God had ever concocted: the plan of salvation for all of his creation. I can almost see Jesus responding, not just fatigued by the beatings but also in pure anger and frustration, “You would have no authority over Me, unless it had been given you from above; for this reason he who delivered Me to you has the greater sin.” Of course afterward it talks about how Pilate tries to save Jesus' life but to no avail. In the end, the question was asked of the Jews "Shall I crucify your king?" I can't help but look at this and see it as a last chance for them to try and see what God was doing and actually letting God be their King! However in one quick and devastating proclamation, the Jews turned their backs completely on God: "We have no king but Caesar." Makes a person really think doesn't it...

Well that's it for now! Hope y'all have a great rest of the week! Hope to see some of y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Half Way Done, A New Unexpected Battle and Prayer Requests...

2011-01-08T11:30:00.004-05:00

Hey guys! Hope y'all are having a great week! Hopefully y'all are doing well with New Year's Resolutions, avoiding sickness and getting back into "normal mode" now that the holidays are over with. I know I am...

Now, some of y'all have already headed back to school and are beginning to feel the pressure of the academic world upon you (like I am). Some of y'all still have some time before heading back and are enjoying their time off and even more of y'all are done with school (not going to lie I envy y'all latter two). I had to come back and take a required class for my degree (Western Thought and Culture or Humanities as some call it). Its been pretty interesting because of some of the history aspect to it. However - not going to lie - its almost pointless to take because of how condensed they have made it. I, more than likely, will not remember much of this after I'm done because of quickly we went through it and how very little time was spent on some of the material. The cool thing, I think, about all this is that the class I'm in is taught by the philosophy professor here at TFC so of course he puts alot of the philosophical spin on it, when he can. So I am somewhat enjoying it... somewhat... ;)

Well as I talked about last time, I was going to try and dig deeper and establish a better understanding and practice of spiritual discipline and in all honesty guys I had no idea what I was getting myself into. For the past week I have tried and tried to read and develop some kind of discipline in my prayer life and in my quiet times and you would have thought I had given an open invitation to the Enemy to come at me! I can't believe how much the Enemy has used things (and succeeded in using them) to keep me from establishing some kind of discipline in my spiritual walk. The distractions, the worries, the lies, the temptations... its crazy! The thing is as much as I want to give up, I can't... I know it would be easier to just roll over and take the hits from the Enemy however I can't. As I sit here and think about it, the same question keeps popping up: Why? Why is he doing this to me? I know that the Enemy doesn't want me to get closer to my heavenly father and he wants to see me fail and fail miserably (as CS Lewis once said -loosely quoting - that its not the nonbelievers that the Enemy has to work to have them in hell, but its the believers who fall away from God that are the greatest victories for him). The thing is that that can't be the only reason. I feel like there is something else... like there is something that the Enemy is afraid of me learning, establishing and becoming and he is doing everything he can to keep from that goal. And because of that, it only makes me more determined to do this now... pray for me as I do this... :)

So I know that this is a rarity but I want to ask you guys to pray for me and for some of the people in my life:
-Me: God's strength and courage to face the enemy and truly begin to develop discipline in my life. (A little less minor one-I'm still looking for a car. Prayers for that would be appreciated as well)
-My boyfriend: he's been pretty sick. Pray for God's healing hand on him.
-My family
-My friends here at TFC: A lot of people are either sick or are dealing with some serious financial issues which is keeping them from coming back for school. Pray that God's will be done in all of these things.

I also want y'all to know that if you ever need someone to pray for you about something, I'm always here. Let me know if y'all need prayer for something, whatever it may be! I love you guys and I want to be able to help you however I can and I know the least I can do for y'all is pray.

Well that's it for now! Gotta get back to studying and preparing for the week! Y'all take it easy... later days!

~Jeanne;)

The Aftermath of Christmas, Preparing to Return and Spiritual Discipline...

2010-12-29T13:33:00.005-05:00

Hey y'all! Hope all is going well! Sorry its been so long but of course you come home and after not seeing your family for a long time and not hanging out with them, your schedule tends to fill up quick! But now that I have some down time, I can let y'all know what's going on...

So yeah I came home and pretty much just crashed for a couple of days and not really wanting to do anything but read, play on Facebook and watch some episodes of "How I Met Your Mother". In between all that, my schedule filled up quick: little siblings wanted me to hang out with them, mom and older sister wanted me to go out with them and dad wanted me to watch movies with him (usually with me rubbing his back while we were watching them). Then friends and extended family wanted to see me so of course I went out and enjoyed some awesome food and socializing time! Now I'm getting to the point where I'm just beat and I just want time to myself again so I can go curl up in a place somewhere and just relax and read some. Of course, that's easier said than done... :S Oh well, now that Christmas is over, I can actually wind down some and slowly get ready to return to TFC...

Yep, I actually have only a few days left before I head back to school and start into my Winterim class, Western Thought and Culture. I can't wait to get back up to TFC and see all my friends and back to routine! Yes, I said it! I like routine, school and the like.... Its usually when I have to go on breaks and vacations and stuff that I kinda don't know what to do. :S I know, its weird but that's just the kind of girl I am. Anywho, I'm really excited about starting into the new program and really seeing where God is leading me in all of this! :D

So when it comes to my quiet times and what God is showing me and talking to me about is discipline. Yep... I'm getting back to the basics of my spiritual disciplines and practices with God. Right now I'm reading a couple of books: "My Utmost For His Highest" by Oswald Chambers (I'm still using this during my quiet times) and "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard J. Foster. I'm also hoping to read a book my boyfriend, Rich got me as a somewhat early Christmas present, "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (I've never read anything of his but I've always wanted to so I'm uber excited). The thing is for the past several weeks (over a month really) God has been gently bring this to my attention as something I really need to look into and get a better understanding and practice of. I see know that if I really want to do and be a part of the things that God is leading me towards (ministry, relationships, serving others, etc.) I need to really start developing a stronger relationship with him and begin seriously disciplining myself in my times with him and not just inwardly but also in outward and corporate spiritual disciplines (as Mr. Foster would call them). As I write this I can't help but think of the Shane and Shane song, "May the Words of My Mouth". Its worth a listen...

After listening to this song, I know that in my heart of hearts that I have this desire and I truly wish for this but I know that I don't have what it takes right now and it will only be when I developed the different disciplines that I will get there. Here's hoping for the best...

Well that's it for now! Hope all of y'all had a grand Christmas and I hope for a safe and happy New Year for y'all! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Finals, Christmas Time, A Prayer Answered/A Dream Come True and What's To Come...

2010-12-06T13:34:00.006-05:00

Hey there gang! Its been quite a while... sorry about that but that just means there's more stuff to tell... ;)

Well lets start with this week: Finals Week! Yep... studying; cramming knowledge, coffee and junk food (usually in that order), freaking out and praying that God not only would pull multiple epiphanies as you take your tests but that He would soften the hearts (and minds) of your professors so that you could get the best grade possible... yep, in the very middle of that right now. >.< I've already got one test out of the way and will be studying for tomorrow's two tests today. Right now, I'm just taking it one day at a time, not getting too overwhelmed and hoping that I don't die of a heart attack or anxiety attack... :)

So as soon as Finals are over, I will be heading home and I really can't wait to see my family and hang out with them! Although Christmas will be a bit rough for us, I'm just glad we can be together and be able to unwind and enjoy each others' company and not have to worry about work, school or anything else. Christmas has always been a very big and special time for all of us in my house; many of me and my family's fondest memories usually took place around Christmas. So of course when the time comes, we love sitting around in the den, looking over old photo albums or watching old family home videos and reminisce about the "good ol' days". For me, these times are also times to reflect and see where God has brought me and my family through and I can't help but feel loved, blessed and that's its been quite an adventure thus far. Also, these times have become more and more sparse as I've gotten older and had to start finding my place in this world so of course they've become more and more precious to me. But I also can't wait to see and experience the future ones to come... :)

Well many of y'all who are friends with me on Facebook have already heard the news but for those of you who haven't heard or don't know... I'm in a relationship now! XD I'm dating my best friend, Rich who I've known for quite a while now and was one of the people who told me about and encouraged me to come to Toccoa Falls College (he's an alumni from the school so who better to tell me about the school?). We have been talking for quite a while now about a relationship and we made it official this past weekend. Of course we have had a TON of people praying and encouraging us in this direction so when it happened it was very exciting for everyone! :D I really can't thank God enough for blessing me by putting such an incredible, Godly man in my life and how I've been blessed with his friendship and support as much as he has! In all honesty, I am a bit scared but I also know that all right now all I can do is to continue putting God and his will first and putting into practice more and more the things that he has been teaching all these months about love, supporting others and continuing in daily obedience in God. If you really want more details about how it happened, just get in touch with me... ;)

So I guess the next question in my head right now with finals, Christmas time and a new relationship now here is: What's coming, God? What is on the horizon for me? I know for sure that school will be different for me because of the new major in Family and Children's Ministry I have; life will be different now that I have a boyfriend and I'm beginning to find myself apart from my family so... what now? Only God knows... and you know what, maybe that how it needs to be. Think about it: if we did know about every little thing that comes our way what will make life fun, adventurous and memorable? As much as I want to know the future, I can't help but feel a small part of me doesn't really want to know. Not because I'm afraid of all the horrible and sad things that will come but more so because it ruins the unexpectedness. As a person who is very organized and punctual and all, you would think I wouldn't be like that all and really I wasn't. But now I've learned that those kinds of situations, things and experiences are usually when God shows up the most and you are able to learn something about yourself, about him and about others. So I keep looking to the horizon, but I don't look too far ahead; I'm trying to keep in perspective the people and the situations around me in the here and now as well so that I may learn and so that I may be able to teach others... :)

Well that's it for now! Hope y'all have a great rest of the week (especially those of my friends who are taking Finals), take care and later days!

~Jeanne;)

Almost break time, Captivating and Faith in action

2010-11-14T15:51:00.004-05:00

Hey there guys... I know its been a while and sorry about that but stuff really has started ramping up here at school. So I'm taking a break real quick to fill ya in on some stuff... :)

First of all, school is getting a little crazy but manageable. Everyone around here can't wait for Thanksgiving break to get here (which as of today, is about 7 days away). After Thanksgiving, we really only have one week of school left and then it goes right into finals and then we're done! :D I can't wait because I can finally take a breather and just relax and enjoy my time with family and friends. Unfortunately I have Winterim here so I only get like 2 or 3 weeks off from school before jumping right back into it. I am excited about what is to come in the next semester with the Christian Education department and me learning to be a Family and Children's Minister. I can't wait! :D

Well when it comes to my quiet times, I haven't had too much of a theme going for the past couple of weeks except enjoying, studying and meditating on some passages from Psalms and the Prophets. Then at the end of last week, late at night, I asked my roommate if I could borrow a book that I saw was on her bookshelf and I've heard so much about and been told to read and never have: Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. She said yes and thus I began reading it and man...What a book! For the past several weeks and months, there have been questions and statements I have made and within a couple of chapters into this book almost all of them had been asked and answered! The Eldredges help women see the things that God originally designed and meant to lie in a woman's heart and soul but due to the fall and sin entering the world, we see how our sinful world has hurt and warped a woman's heart and soul and how it mars them from truly ever understanding love, God and his true design for women. And yes, in case you were wondering even though I'm a pretty tough girl and grew up with some tom-boyish qualities I too have the longings and desires ever other woman has and that yes I too love playing dress up, to be captivating to someone, to be the belle of the ball, to be romanced and to be irreplaceable in a great adventure... The best quote that I have come across yet in this book speaks so deeply to me and really shook me almost to the core was a couple of chapters in when they talked about being wounded: "We embraced the messages of our wounds. We accepted a twisted view of ourselves. And from that we chose a way of relating to our world. We made a vow never to be in that place again. A woman who is living out of a broken, wounded heart is a woman who is living a self-protective life. The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as woman. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. Clearly, he's holding out on us. We'll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We'll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability. In some ways, this is every little girl's story, here in this world east of Eden." ((O.O)) Yeah... that pretty much hit the nail right on the head for me and what I've had to deal with and work through a majority of my life when it came to God, life and love. So much pain, sin, abuse and scars... as a result of these things, I was led to believe so many lies and warped views about myself, God and others (including men... sorry guys) that I didn't realize it until it was later on in life and after I had hurt others and myself so much so. So just like it is for guys and how it the question that haunts them - "Do I have what it takes?" - so it is that women, especially me, have a question that haunts them - "Am I lovely?"

One of the other things that I'm starting to wonder and see more and more is what it really means to put faith into action. I've been reading quite a few pieces of scripture lately (especially out of Hebrews) talking about the hall of faith and about perseverance which again led me to think: "What would faith really look like if I were to put it into action?" What if instead of talking about how we feel or what we think and learn in faith, what if we actually stepped up and put these things that God is showing us and directing us into action? The people in Hebrews 11 were commended for not just having faith, but acting out in faith; putting that faith into action! What if we got a little gutsy for once and did the same? Would we actually be fulfilling the promise of old (vs. 39-40)? Is that why the next verse talks about not letting sin (like from our past, doubt and fear) hinder us and to preserver in the direction that God is showing us and keeping him in the center or it all, letting him guide us and perfect our faith as we run this race? Hmmm... :)

Well that's it for now! Hope y'all have a great week! I gotta get to dinner in the cafeteria or else... see ya around! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Halloween, A change in majors, Strength:Compliment or Curse and Recent Impressions

2010-11-03T19:31:00.005-04:00

Hey there guys! Hope everything has been going well... I know its been a while so I have some catching up to do... :)

So Halloween was pretty awesome! My best friend Rich invited me to attend his youth's Halloween costume party with him and so naturally I accepted... and even surprised him with my costume. He had told me earlier in the month what he was going as so I worked it to get an Alice costume and it worked! The party was a blast and I got to meet his kids as well as some of the parents and workers in the youth ministry (all of them are incredibly sweet people)! It was awesome... We also got to watch the AMC premiere of "Walking Dead", a TV series about zombies and it takes place... in Atlanta! It was really good. So now with November beginning and Thanksgiving just around the corner, that means for me I only have 4 weeks left in the semester! Crazy stuff... but awesome! :D

So yeah... in case you thought you read that wrong in the title, I'll assure you that you didn't. I have officially begun to change my major this past week from History Education to a Christian Education degree - Family and Children's Ministry. Why you may ask? Well to get to the nitty-gritty of it all: I realized real quick after getting involved in more of the history classes here and teacher education classes here at Toccoa Falls, this really wasn't for me. Don't get me wrong... I love history and hearing stories and the like but I figured out real quick that as I began getting into it, I was already beginning to lose my passion for it! I knew I had to stop what I was doing and figure out real quick what it was that I was meant to do. Of course I went back to the beginning of it all and asked, "Well do I want to teach?" Yes! I love teaching... but what exactly was the question. So as I thought more and more about it, I suddenly realized that the only times I'm really enjoying teaching and could never get dull or lose passion was when I was in ministry, specifically Children's ministry. So I began to prayerfully seek God in all this. Was this really what he wanted me to do? Well as I began the process of looking at the CE degree and drop my history stuff, everything began to automatically fall into place. Now, my adviser has been officially changed from an Teacher education adviser over to a CE adviser and my schedule has been set for next semester to include 3 CE classes. I ask that y'all keep me in your prayers and that God would continue to show me the way in all this. :)

Well here's something that really came out of left field for me: earlier this week, I was told by a friend of mine how they liked that I'm a strong, independent woman. Of course, naturally, anyone would take that as a compliment (which of course I did) but it caught me so off guard how much it made me feel uncomfortable. Now the context in which they used it, I knew what they meant (internal strength and all) and took it as a compliment and really was flattered by it but I realized quickly that there was something that I have had an issue with and never really dealt with till now. See, when I was younger (and even still today) I was actually teased for being stronger than most girls (acting/behaving like a tomboy didn't help either) and so I thought myself somewhat of a freak for it. In today's culture and societies, women who are strong and independent are praised and admired. I know that and understand that and was in fact raised to be a strong, independent, Southern Christian woman but I realized real quick that to me, it seemed to be a curse. Think about it... what is usually said about those kind of women? "Wow, they are strong and independent and don't need anyone..." (Don't need anyone = alone, which I'm terrified of becoming). My whole life, I was naturally strong (physically) and in time I felt like I had to develop a strong personality and character (internal strength) in order to be what I needed to be for others, especially my family. As time went on, I soon saw how people wouldn't be close to me or think that I didn't need anyone so they would either just not be my friend or leave me. My natural response to that? In order not to lose face, I acted like I didn't care and it didn't hurt and moved on (and with being a pastor's kid always moving around, it made matters worse). The problem is it did hurt... and so all these scars and pains developed. If I let my guard down and try to let myself be weak, people (especially those closest to me) would tell me to suck it up and deal with it. So I would try...
The thing is I've been this way for years and years and have gone through so much in my life and still had to pull myself up by my bootstraps for myself and at times for others... and I'm tired. I want to be weak, I want to be vulnerable... I want to be like everyone else for once but I feel like I'm not allowed to be that way. Everyone thinks that I don't get hurt and that certain things don't affect me the same way it affects them because I'm so strong. The thing is it does affect me; I just know how to hide it and know when to deal with it. I hurt, I lust, I bleed, I get jealous, I get angry just like the next person. Just for once, I want to be the person looking for help, needing help and for once there actually be someone there who is willing to sacrifice for me because they love me that much and they want to help me. I feel like because people think I'm so strong that I can sacrifice more and I'm willing to sacrifice more than they can or do. So of course to make everyone else happy and to show how much I love them and for me to gain acceptance, I do sacrifice and I feel like that's all I do at times... and that no one is willing or does do it for me.
In the end, it seems like being strong and independent dooms a girl in two ways: being alone and continuously sacrificing for others with no one to pour into you. At least, that what it seems like to me... :*(

So, on a bit of a lighter note, recently with all the praying that I've been doing about what God wants me to do and whether or not he wants me doing ministry, I've actually had a couple of cool things happen to me. First of all, I've been having this position brought to me time and time again through out this semester but I don't know when and how it will happen: being a mentor to someone. Now to me, I think I need more mentoring than being the mentor to someone but for whatever reason, I've had a couple of instances where this was presented to me and touched my heart. I'm still praying about it so we will see what develops next. Also I've also had a dream/vision this past week of which eyes were being opened and then coming closer and closer to me until it seemed like they were being placed over my eyes. Like I was stepping into these eyes and wearing them as my eyes... I don't know what it means but I'm hoping to figure it out soon.

Well that's it for now! Hope y'all had a great Halloween and I hope that November finds you nice and warm yet enjoying some wonderful Fall(ish) things too! :) Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Hitting the ground running, Redeeming Love/Boy Meets Girl, and Being perfected in love...

2010-10-20T21:38:00.006-04:00

Hey there guys! Hope y'all are all doing well... lots of fun things have happened and I thought I'd share some of it with you...

So yeah, I was able to have a really awesome fall break and even got to escape from the college for a couple of the days thanks to my incredible friend Rich and just had a blast (learned how to put together and shoot a paintball gun :D )! Unfortunately however, all good things must come to end and so today I returned to the hustle and bustle of school and literally felt like I was hitting the ground running. This next week or so I'm going to be spitting out papers and projects left and right so hopefully I won't be too overwhelmed and busy to make time for my family and friends! Hopefully... ^.^;

Yes... during this time off, I was able to get some free time to finally read some books. One of the books that I was able to read was by Francine Rivers called Redeeming Love. Now, I've heard of it and never picked it up until now. Finished this like 600 page book in two days and oh my gosh is it good! It's well written and very different unlike other fictional romantic novels (well... its at least less graphic... don't ask how I know, just trust me...). The story is a revamping of the biblical story of Hosea and his wife Gomer the prostitute except this time instead of being set in biblical times, its set during the mid 1800s during the Gold Rush in California and Gomer was a prostitute who was forced into that world after being raped and trained in that "profession" at the age of 8... and her name is Angel (Amanda/Mandy/Tirzah/Mara...her name kept changing) and Hosea was a farmer named Michael Hosea. I can't tell ya all of it but it will mess with you alot. I know it did me in alot of ways because it was scary to see/hear the thoughts of this girl Angel and her concepts and position on men, God and life and how that's not only how some of my thought life was like but how I still have some of those thoughts running around in my head (so yes, usually the end result was me throwing the book across the room) >.< It was scary to see how those thoughts and concepts were so close to mine and how they were filled with anger and fear and so... misleading. This book really is a good read and I highly recommend it to anyone (especially you ladies)!

Another book that I read (or really listen to) was Joshua Harris' "Boy Meets Girl: Saying Hello to Courtship". Now this book is really, REALLY good... I'm already pretty old fashion as it is (just ask my sister :P ) but I don't mind it. This book really helped me to understand how we have completely disregarded and negated the purpose and practice of courtship and have let dating take the helm of it all. This book really does help you purposefully and prayerfully consider significant others in your life. Harris talks about many different areas in which one can examine and learn more about their significant other without finding it out the wrong way or finding out too late and he always shows how one can bring it back to God being the center of it all! Such a great read... highly recommend this one too! ;)

So again (in case you haven't caught on already) God and I are still walking through and learning more about loving Him, loving others and loving myself. Right now, I have been facing some fears about really letting go, letting the defenses down and just trusting and loving wholeheartedly with friends and family and I can already see and understand why he's doing this. This past week the book of 1st John kept popping up to me and so I thought I should sit down and take a read through it. So I did... and of course I got hung up on chapter 4 where it talks about God being love. Now to some of us that's basic and not that big of a deal. Thing is for the past like 5 months this is how I've been getting to know God. So of course I'm going to dissect this passage to the best of my ability (forgive me you biblical scholars out there but I am not a pro... only a pastor's kid trying to understand this better). So, again, main verse that pops out to all of us is 1 John 4:18 - "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." That last part of the verse really got me asking God some questions: "So... without fear, would I be perfected in love?" "God, what does it mean and look like to be perfected in love? Does that mean all those past hurts, pains, sins... could I actually finally be able to let them go and forgive myself and have no fear when I step into a new relationship?" That last part... "perfected in love" I've also felt has something to really do with redemption as well. I'm beginning to start to dig deeper and see so hopefully I'll have something to tell you next week! ;)

Well that's it for now! Just a quick prayer request: I need some prayer... well I'm thinking about changing my major and I just really need some clarity on if this really is what God wants or if its just me. Thanks... I'd appreciate it! Love y'all and Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Fall Break and midpoint in semester, Family Outing, What it ALL means and Fear, my greatest enemy....

2010-10-14T20:29:00.011-04:00

Hey there guys! Hope everything is going well for ya! So much has happened and is going on for me and for many others in school right now so a quick prayer for all those in this would be quite appreciated...

Yep! That's right... I'm finished with midterms and I'm halfway through my first semester here at TFC. I have to say I wasn't expecting things to be so crazy here at this time but it has gotten that way! I've been stressed out with all these exams and studying and trying to keep my GPA up and everything... I'm exhausted! And not only that, I've seen alot of people going through alot of other crazy things happening in their lives(physical ailments, family drama and issues, deaths, etc.)Right now all I know is that with everything that has been happening for everyone (including myself), this break coming up is very much needed so people can wind down some, chill out and just enjoy life, family and friends... :)

Well my family came up this past weekend to see me and hang out with me! It was so much fun (a little crazy because the kids got to get out of the house and just enjoy fall) and good quality time with the family! I showed them around campus some, took them down to the falls (again, kids loved it) and we later went to Jaemore Farms down the road so the kids could enjoy the corn maze and some attractions there. The adults were enjoying the awesome food (cause you can't go there without getting a fried pie or apple fritter);) My nephew didn't want to leave my side the whole time we were together so I had a mini-photo shoot with him in the pumpkin patch there. I got more pics of the day on my Facebook if you want to check it out. Again, it was great seeing them and enjoying a little family time together... :)

So earlier this week a dear friend of mine asked me why I thought God was showing me all the stuff he has been showing me recently. Not fully able to give an answer except for "Something that's about to happen", I began reading through all of my blogs and some of my recent journal entries because sometimes it can show you. You see this summer I took it to God that I was upset and in fact at times down right jealous of people who could understand him as a lover of their soul. I, myself, never understood that; I always saw him as nothing else but a father who cared and provided for me. I'm beginning to see now that God has been helping me to see him not only as my true and devoted lover but he's been showing me the kind of things I myself needed to develop so that our relationship could work in that sense. But I'm also seeing that my original answer wasn't far off either... these things that I've been learning and understanding can be applied to alot of relationships I have with various people. But more so, I do believe that a time is soon coming in which I will be applying these things in a more intimate relationship with someone... so right now I'm keeping myself open to what God has to show me and what he expects of me. :)

Well... where to start with this area. Fear is something that unfortunately we all possess since we are humans. This past week, however, I have had quite a few encounters with people and with God who were really starting to call this out of me. Last week here at TFC, we had Jason Ostrander, the Christian and Missionary Alliance's Director for Youth Ministries, come in and speak to us and with him was a friend of his, Dave Powers. Now I've heard Jason speak before so I was super pumped about him talking and of course, God showed up through him and did in fact start showing me how these pieces were fitting together. However, it was Dave who really did it for me. Dave Powers does basically quiet time music in which he plays worship music that alot of people know but what he also does is while he's playing music he'll speak scripture based on a certain topic. That night, he told us that he felt God was telling him to step away from what he originally had planned for us and to address the topic that God had for us that night: fear. So for 45 minutes, as I sat in the fourth row from the stage I listened and almost cried my eyes out as my heart was being cracked open and the poisonous weed of fear was being exposed to me and to God. In that instance I knew that before anything else was to happen in my life when it came to school, family, relationships, etc I had to address this issue of fear in my life.
So as I began doing this I happened to look at my old college ministry's podcast and saw that they had started a new series called... Fearless. "Oh... this can't be just coincidence ..." I thought as I clicked on the first podcast and listened to it... and it wasn't. My old college minister Miles began to show and explain some important things about fear being in the lives of people and how we all have some kind of fear in our lives (snakes, heights, clowns, etc... you name it!) but that when it comes down to it, something is only consider a legitimate fear if it possesses two things: if its eminent (closer) and if its potent (powerful). So there are some things that do possess both of these so they can be considered legitimate fears (poisonous snakes, being up very high and the possibility of falling) but not all of these fears are legitimate (clowns aren't usually but if they for any reason display the characteristics of Tim Curry in the movie "IT"... RUN!). The main point to all of this was really something pretty significant: when we let fear dictate how we live, respond, grow, relate, etc it has become the god of our heart and lives and has gotten you - through worry, anxiety, stress, etc - to make decisions of the kind of person you are going to be and take directions in your life. Miles put it this way, "Happiness and fear cannot dwell in the same heart... If you allow fear to control your life and guide your actions, you become a coward...you can have fear and not be a coward but as soon as you allow fear to guide you, you go into the realm of cowardice." O.o; So the question is raised: is the old saying true, that there is nothing to fear but fear itself? Actually... no because there is something more eminent and potent than fear could ever be: God. If God has the ability and power to create the universe, to destroy nations, to raise the dead and to calm storms... why don't we revere him more than fear? Why are we letting fear take God's throne in our hearts when there is no way in heaven or on earth that it has the right, ability or power to reside in such a position in our lives and our hearts? We shouldn't... and if we want to do God's will in our lives, we can't let it.
So for me this is my greatest enemy, my "Captain Hook", my "Venom", my "Darth Vader", my "Jaberwocky": to at least confront and take a stance against fear. And I can't help but feel encouraged in some way... when I do this (and trust me, I will), what little battles will I be able to overcome by doing this; what little victories will I obtain just by addressing the enemy instead of turning tale and run? Kinda makes ya wonder... :)

Well that's it for now... sorry again for being long but I hope y'all liked it! Take care and I'll see ya soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Midterms, The Sacrifice of Praise and Solitude with God, Instability and Feeling like I belong...

2010-10-05T21:21:00.007-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well! I know I've gone through alot (so this might be long) so lets get to the nitty-gritty shall we? ;)

Well... midterms have come to Toccoa Falls College. Its really hard because I have never really had to take midterms before so I've gotten somewhat stressed out. Its just alot at once; some of the midterms aren't that bad because they are just regular tests... so no big! However, some of these exams are NO JOKE! Like today, I had to take a Hermeneutics test today... took me TWO HOURS TO DO!! Some of these exams require me to have to review 30-50 pages of material in order to prepare for the test! XS Its ridiculous! Right now I just need some prayers in not getting too overwhelmed... trust me, me getting overwhelmed is NOT a pretty thing... >.<

So this past weekend I went on a prayer retreat and let me tell ya... I NEEDED IT!! XD Absolutely a wonderful Sabbath for me; I didn't do anything with school and I didn't worry about a dang thang! :) Now... where to start... well the first night after worshiping together, the girls and guys were split up and we started into our groups with our guest speakers. The lady who led it (I can't remember her name) but she was pretty good. She talked about the loads that we girls carry around and how they burden us - Past guilt, Poor self-image, Anger, Dishonesty, Comparison, Unforgiveness and Worry. She told alot of amazing stories and made some great points but it was her message the next day that really got me more - The sacrifice of praise. Boiling down all that she said, with everything that goes on in our world, praising God isn't easy so the very act seems to be so laborious or even disgruntling. But the thing we don't really realize is why we are called to praise God; not just for him to receive glory but more so that the very act of praise is a direct act of obedience to God. Yes its hard to praise and everything but it wouldn't be called a SACRIFICE of praise if it wasn't hard to find! Its not just about it being a reaction to good things happening to us, its not about us having to or us feeling obligated. Its about us willingly doing it, us choosing to doing it even when things aren't going well and the pain of life, relationships, etc is still there. That's why through out the psalms you see David saying "I will praise you", "I will exalt you", "I will...". He was choosing to praise God whether he was in his palace and living in paradise or whether he was on the run from his half crazed father in law camping out in caves or dodging his egotistical son. The circumstances didn't decide for him when to praise God. He chose when to do it... out of obedience to God.
During that same day, I was given five hours of solitude in which I was to use it to just get closer to God. Well I knew I also had a requirement for my spiritual formations class to do this solitude and work through some stuff in this spiritual profile I took for the class... so I used that time for it. I chose 5 issues and worked through them. First of all lets just say its a good thing it was just me and God cause.... it got rough. I worked through a couple of different things (mind I'm still in process and haven't overcome them all) but it was good. When I really boil it down, it comes to these things: Trusting, Anxiety, Frustration, Instability and Distance. Now I know you saw trusting and thought "But I thought she worked through that already?" And yes, I have but that doesn't mean I've conquered it. Yeah, I'm learning to trust people more but that doesn't mean that I've fixed my concept of trust when it comes to God. As much as I may/may not trust people is a reflection of my trust in God... see what I mean in fixing that concept? I've learned so many new truths about him now that its time for that part of our relationship to get revamped and totally overhauled! Now when it comes to anxiety and frustration... those I'm still working out and hopefully I'll have something to report on those later. :)

Now one of the big topics that really surprised me and I didn't even think or really know that it was affecting me and God's relationship was that of instability. I really didn't think much about it because I really chalked it up to me moving around so much and not living in a place for too long that I developed certain concepts (like my trusting issues, keeping people at arm's length, not developing relationships, etc.). But it was really when God brought one particular dream/desire to mind that I could see what he really wanted. You see, I've always wanted to find a place to settle down in and no longer be a wanderer in this world, to find a place where I'm wanted, accepted and even loved - like I did when I was growing up in Newnan, Ga when it was still a small town. Unfortunately because of all the moving around and with life coming at me and my family the way it has over the years, I don't feel I belong anywhere - not even in my own parents' home - and I still don't (no offense mom and dad). All I want to do is find that place - find MY home - and do everything to get there and finally... rest. Yes, rest because in all honestly, that's all I have felt like I've been doing; that I fight every day just to survive this thing we call life and not just because I make it out alive... but because I want to find where I belong, to find my home where I find people who are there for me and people who are willing to help me in this uneven fight. Maybe even find an incredible man of God who is willing to help me fight, who is willing to "put up his dukes" even though he knows how strong of a fighter I am... all because he loves me. Anywho, I didn't realize how BIG of an issue this was until God showed it to me. I asked God "Will I ever have that? A place where I belong, a place called home?" And he told me, "Jeanne, the thing is because of you accepting the instability of this world, it has leaked into your own image and perception of me. You think I'm a fickle god who will promise one thing but then punish the blazes out of you if you do something right. You know, you KNOW I'm not like that..." "I know, God. And I am so sorry. I know it in my head... please start getting me to know it in my heart." and I just cried. "Start finding in me where you belong and the rest will come..."

So yeah... that's where I'm at right now. I'm really trying to apply these things and learn more as life goes on. Thanks for reading... hey, if you made it to the end of this blog then you deserve a cookie and a pat on the back! LOL!;D Love ya guys and I hope to hear/see ya soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Fall is coming, Growing up, Obedience through confusion and Living life wholeheartedly...

2010-09-28T10:18:00.006-04:00

Hey there guys! Sorry its been a while... busy, busy, busy! But luckily now I have time to chill and tell you what's going on...

Well fall is beginning up here in Toccoa Falls. The weather is cooling down (finally... praise God... Halleluer-lil' Madea there for some of y'all ;) ), leaves are starting to change color and the desire to curl up under the covers with a warm drink is starting to become more of a reality. I know that during this time for me the thing I enjoy the most is being here in the mountains and seeing God's beauty unfolding around me as well as going up to Helen, GA, having day trips there and enjoying the town, food and activities there with my closest friends! Hopefully I'll be able to do that soon... :)

Well there are alot of things that recently are happening to me that have caused me to feel like I'm finally growing up and becoming a mature adult. First of all, I'm well into college and now that I know what I want to do with my life, I've locked it into place and I'm passionately pursuing it! Also, within the next week or two I'm finally going to have a car after being without one for almost three years! THANK GOD!!! :D Now I can actually get out more but more importantly be able to find a job and begin furthering my experience in teaching, ministering, etc! I know it probably doesn't seem that big a deal for some but when it comes to me, for years I felt like I couldn't or haven't been able to grow past a certain point due to alot of things holding me back whether it was outside forces or inside ones. For the first time really ever, I feel like I'm stepping out and taking risks in growing and learning about me, life but also I'm walking the path that God has for me. Yeah its a bit scary and might even get hurt but really... its just the beginning of the great adventure God has for me and I can't wait!

So... in case you haven't noticed yet, God's been teaching me alot of things about myself and my life. These past few months he's been doing a number on me when it comes to having trust and faith in others and also learning what it means to love (not just others but myself and him) and the real importance of relationships. Through out all of this, I kept asking, "Why God? Why all this stuff? Why are you teaching me this stuff? I know they've been issues in my life but why are you wanting me to learn and fix them now?" I think I'm seeing more so than ever the main lesson he's been teaching me as well as another small lesson he's teaching me. The main one? Obedience during confusion. Oswald Chambers said it best in his book "My Utmost For His Highest": "There are times in your spiritual life when there is confusion, and the way out of it is not simply to say that you should not be confused. It is not a matter of right and wrong, but a matter of God taking you through a way that you temporarily do not understand. And it is only by going through the spiritual confusion that you will come to the understanding of what God wants for you...Stand firm in faith, believing that what Jesus said is true, although in the meantime you do not understand what God is doing. He has bigger issues at stake than the particular thing you are asking of Him right now." With everything that is going on, I can only guess why God is doing it but that still doesn't mean its for sure. Until I know for sure, I have to live day in and day out in obedience to him and what his spirit tells me to do.
Now when it comes to the small lesson: Living wholeheartedly. See, I thought I had been doing this but after some discussions with some of my friends I realize now I haven't. I've been trying to keep certain areas of my heart separate from the rest of it so I don't get hurt; I've been building up walls around one particular section of my heart in order for it to be as little scathed as possible. Unfortunately because of that, it has ruined my heart and kept me from truly loving. That's not how we are called and are suppose to live life like God wants us to... we can't truly love others if its only with a part of our heart. It has to be the whole thing; it has to be all of it, fully and completely open and vulnerable to getting hurt or nothing at all. Some of you know me: I like to be prepared, I like to be on the defense and prepare to fight back if necessary in order to survive and do it with as little damage to myself as possible. Thing is no one walks away from life and more some from loving others, truly loving others, unscathed. God loves us that much that he actually makes his heart that vulnerable and we break it time and again with our sin and defiance. But why? Why does he do that? Because that feeling of choosing to love him is unlike any other kind of paradise, any other kind of happiness, any other kind of being accepted and trusted that we could possibly fathom. I guess the question is now am I willing to become that utterly vulnerable, am I willing to let my heart be that open that there is no doubt it will at times be broken and hurt whether it was done intentionally or not by those closest to me, closest to my heart? And I say yes, it is... its worth it, it absolutely is worth it! Its worth me loving others that wholeheartedly if that is what God has called me to do, its how I show his love to others and how I can help them grow in him... I love them and I love God that much! :)

Well, that's it for now! Thanks for reading... now I have to get back onto my homework and all! Take it easy! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Coming along, A friend in trouble, What I don't deserve vs. What God wants for me

2010-09-16T22:24:00.005-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for everyone! Well lets get to it, shall we? ;)

Well... thankfully, I'm not like the guy above anymore! Things are going pretty well when it comes to school! I've taken a couple of my tests already and turned in a couple of papers already and I seem to be adjusting to things here at Toccoa Falls. I see what the expectations and requirements are here for students and all. I'm really enjoying my time here: I'm being challenged in ways I hadn't in such a long time academically, mentally and even spiritually! Not only that, I've begun to actually challenge myself and get out with people, meeting them and developing new friendships and relationships! Hey I even procrastinated and went to a Braves game with my best friend Rich and some friends of his in Atlanta this past weekend! It was great! :D

I would however, like to ask you guys to be in prayer for an old friend of mine. Her name is Cassie and she, my sister and I were close friends and that was something big for me especially since I lived in Colorado and didn't have really any friends at all. Last I heard of her, she was married and had two beautiful baby boys. This past week I was contacted by her family and told some devastating news: unfortunately, she got in trouble with the law and was arrested due to being a part of a Meth drug ring out of Mexico. Right now, Cassie is still being processed for where they will put her in prison since it was her first offense, her children are in the care of her parents and she is hoping that this situation will help her get clean and back on the right track in life. Please be in prayer for her and her family right now, especially her two little boys. I know it has to be scary and heartbreaking for all involved... I just hope and pray God's will to be done and his love, peace and grace be upon all in this situation.

Well... God is doing quite a number on me still when it comes to love and relationships and the like. Right now, one thing in particular that I'm beginning to be challenged in is something a very wise "mentor", you could say, was talking to me about this a day or so ago. I was telling her how there are lot of times with people I only allow so much of myself to be exposed and to be close to others. Over the years of moving from place to place, I'm not use to having friendships/relationships lasting very long so I only share so much of myself and then I build up walls around my heart (I've also realized that I do this alot with guy friends too). Its nothing personal its just... I'm use to be being disappointed in people because... well they're people (and yes, I'm sure I've done it too to people but that's beside the point right now...) and so I build up defenses and just wait for the shoe to drop because... well it always does especially when it gets to a certain point in a relationship. "Its crazy... especially when there is someone so incredible who is a Godly person, who encourages me, sees the things in me I can't see and shows it to me and just by being my friend challenges me to be a better friend and Christian." "Why? Why is that weird?" She inquired. "Because I feel like I don't deserve them... yet I want them in my life!" She looked me dead in the eye said, "Kinda like God and us. We didn't do anything to deserve redemption or Christ... but God wanted that for us because he loves us that much. What makes you think that because you don't deserve something so great, something that is the best of its kind that God doesn't want that for you? If its the best of the best that God could possibly have for you in your life, why not accept it? The writing is on the wall and you're covering your eyes..." My friend shook her head at me, leaned back and said, "Jeanne, I want you to think of person right now in your life who is close and dear to you; not a family member but a friend..." So I did and as soon as I thought of them, she asked "Y'all pretty honest with each other?" "Absolutely!" "Do you trust that person?" (If you know me and/or have read my blogs from earlier this summer about having faith and trust in others, you'll know how big of a deal this is) "Well... yes, I do. I trust them more than I have ever trusted someone before." "Well have they done anything to make you harbor even a shred of doubt against them?" she inquired. "No... no they haven't." "Then why the need for a defense when there is nothing for you to defend against? Stop trying to 'fight' against what's to come next in the relationship and 'fight' against the walls that you are starting to build or else they will leave you." ((O.O)) It was like something clicked in my heart, mind and soul all at the same time... I saw why I wasn't developing relationships properly. I wasn't giving anyone the chance to get so close to me... and I realize now... if I don't, how are people to experience God and his love if they can't get to my heart where he dwells? All I know is that this is going to be an interesting process and "fight" to come... ;)

Well that's it for now... thanks for reading (sorry it was kinda long!) Hope y'all have a great one and I'll see ya around! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Overloaded and Stressed, New Revelations and Seeking Forgiveness

2010-09-04T22:54:00.004-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for ya... taking a break right now from all the studying, paper writing and reading so thanks for being my escape... :)

Well... as they say, "A picture is worth a thousand words", the above pic shows I'm pretty overwhelmed. All the assignments, tests, papers and such are all coming at me super fast and I'm not use to this level of academics yet. Seriously, I said it last time and I'll say it again, this is a whole different ballgame now for me. I thought I would survive college pretty well but now I'm doubting some... I literally feel like I'm about to drown here in a bit. Thankfully I have some friends who I've been able to hang out with and get away with and just enjoy life with! Thanks guys... :) I've also been going through and becoming okay with the fact that even though I have a desire for missions and all, it may be that I not return to the mission field for a long time, if ever. That now my mission field is outside the church doors, in the classroom and public school system where I'll be teaching later on and wherever else God wants me to minister in my culture. So, we'll see... :)

Well, the next two sections are going to be pretty close in topic so bear with me. Right now… God is really putting me through the ringer when it comes to the topic of love like he never has before. After learning some pretty intense stuff last week with being content with my loneliness (if you don’t know, pause here and go check out my last blog), I’ve kept pursuing God and keeping him in the center of all this area of my life. Honestly, to me, its somewhat still a thorn in my side, as the Apostle Paul would say. I’ve told quite a few different people about what I’ve experienced and one of them, a very wise older lady in my life – kind of a mentor for me you could say – asked me about my past and present relationships with guys. After a quick cry session reliving through some heartaches, I proceeded to tell her that besides the fact that no guys have tried to ask me out, I just wanted to focus on me and try and fix me before I ever got into a serious relationship with anyone. “Is that your only reason why you aren’t in a relationship?” she asked. “Well… yeah…” I replied. What she said next literally blindsided me, “If that’s the only reason, sweetie, then you’ll never be in a relationship.” ((,O.O,)) “Wait… does that I mean I’m ready for one then?” “I don’t see why not, honey…” Confused, huh? Yeah… me too! Here I was learning to be content and staying in this process of thinking that something was wrong with me that I needed to fix. Truth is, if all you do is focus on trying to fix one area of thinking/behaving or whatever else in order to fix other areas, you’ll never be fixed. You figure these things out as you go along and with someone else there, you get even more help in fixing it! Love and loving others (whether as friends or more) is risky but when it’s true, selfless, honest and most importantly God-ordained and God-center, it’s worth it. A good deal of my life I was taught or encourage to take control and as time went on I began to become somewhat of a control freak. Risking is something I’m not use to doing and now with all this… I have to learn to become comfortable in the uneasiness. I know now I’m not really brave, I really don’t have courage, I don’t have control. What I’ve realized is I can’t compartmentalize my life especially when it comes to love. True love and truly loving others can’t be categorized and place in a box in a certain section of my mind/heart/soul. Love is the one thing that flows freely in and out of all those areas and what binds them together to make somebody them. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me about love being risky as well as that I’ve got to live life, risk and yeah I might make mistakes but as long as I learn from them, I would have lived life and loved like I had never before. Friends and those who are more than that won't have to come up with some reason to call you, come hang out/see you - they'll just come, just because they love you. I realize now that I’m ready… and now it’s all about patience and loving others selflessly.

Well this section is pretty close to the last one but it's different enough. God has begun to show me how this is the one area of my life I've been pretty selfish in. He's been showing me that being in a relationship isn't about me, its about the other person and if I start right into it with that being my main reason I'm getting into it, to feel loved, then its already doomed. Regardless whether its friendship or something more, if it isn't about the other person then it isn't true, there was some other ulterior motive. There have been some friendships and other relationships I've gotten into for other reasons than truly loving them and so guys I want to ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you would show me the grace and mercy I know I don't deserve and forgive me for having other motives behind being a friend or whatever else to you. I'm sorry... I made these relationships about me and not so much about you. I used the feelings that I have felt to benefit me and not use them to learn how to love and show love to others. I'm now learning, thanks to God, how to truly love: by serving others limitless. I've started writing something on my wrist to remind me to do this: "Serve them, not me." Again, I haven't been a true sister in Christ to you and I beg for y'all's forgiveness for that. I am truly and deeply sorry... :*(

I want to end this blog with 2 Corinthians 12:2-6 where right now, I kinda feel like Paul and God, he's being himself:

"I will boast, but about myself I will not boast, except about my weaknesses. Although if I should wish to boast, I would not be foolish, for I would be telling the truth. But I refrain, so that no one may think more of me than what he sees in me or hears from me because of the abundance of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not become too elated,a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Its not about me... its about God being glorified. Love you guys... later days!

~Jeanne;)

Surviving the first week, The other side of the coin and Truth spoken in the pain...

2010-08-30T19:07:00.007-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for ya! Things have started getting a bit rough but I can honestly say that without God and some awesome friends (old and new), things could be alot worse... :)

So... yeah first week of school is done with and I'm heading into my second week! Now that I've been to all my classes and have met all my professor and such, I can honestly say I feel a bit overwhelmed. I'm only taking 16 hours but the requirements for the classes I'm taking (Hermeneutics, Cultural Anthropology, Life & Revelation of Christ, etc.) is a whole other realm of "schoolwork" I've never experienced. I will SERIOUSLY be surprised if I have a 4.0 by the end of this semester... :S But like I said above, with God and the amazing friends that I have here at school (and elsewhere), I know I'm going to be just fine! :)

Well for the past week a couple of verses have kept popping up at me and what's crazy? They both talk about the same thing! Matthew 22:34-40 and John 15:9-17 both talk about not only loving and abiding in God but how that is so closely tied to loving others how you would want to be loved. Take a look:

"Hearing that Jesus had silenced the Sadducees, the Pharisees got together. 35One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments." ~Matthew 22:34-40

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other."~John 15:9-17

After reading these verses, I really started thinking and focusing on not only what it means to love God with all my heart, soul and mind (biblical scholars call this the "Shema") and to love others like I love myself (what we call the "Golden Rule") but also how by doing these things show me how I'm abiding in God and his love for me! I really can't help but notice how one, if not the holiest, of the decrees that God gave to his people long ago when he was beginning to give them a new life combined this with one of the most simple and most moral of all rules that have existed on earth. These verses show one of many ways how Christ came to bridge the gap between heaven and earth and more importantly between God and his children. :)

So... yeah this area was one of my hard ones. Some of you have heard me talk a bit about love and the like in these blogs but I have never had to deal with something so painful these past couple of days than what I'm about to tell you. But in this pain God spoke to me more and helped me to begin to see him in a light I've never seen him in before. Earlier the other day I had posted something on Facebook (Isn't that how it always starts?) and had a few "friends" (better term would be acquaintance) respond to it by sending me personal messages/IMing me on Facebook, all of them disheartening and flat out sucker punches! One of these girls said "Wait... you don't have a man? What's wrong with you?" Another girl also messaged me saying something along the lines of "Oh you aren't with someone? I feel sorry for you..." And the final girl was the real kicker: "Well that's nobody's fault but your own. If you wouldn't hole yourself up in a room and have your nose in books all the time, you'd probably have someone by now..." ((O.o;)) X-/ Okay, my first response to this was... SERIOUSLY?!?!? Not going to lie, I was hurt... very badly. I know that they didn't mean to come off harsh or rude but... seriously? I don't need it to be rubbed in, don't need a pity party and I don't need a lecture! *Venting session over*

Now, after all this I went to bed and had a really bad night's rest and woke up still weighed down by this. These negative thoughts were already in my head and now there were people saying it to me, to my face (well, virtually that is). I walked around alot today in solace prayer, focusing alot on Song of Songs 8:4 (Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires), asking God to help me. I kept taking these feelings and my wish/desire to be in a relationship back to him and putting it on his alter so that I could get God to be center again. I eventually ended up at Chapel today where an organization called Broken Voices came and spoke about their theme for the year, "Center". The guy who spoke talked about how if we don't have God in the center of our lives, we will be off-centered and weighed down with things that will burden us to death! With God being the center, you are completely liberated and free and with him at the center you will see the world being off-centered and long to bring it back into the alignment it was meant to be! So he asked, "What is it that is the center of your life?" As I thought about it, God was my center but there were many things (like the wish/desire to be with someone) that was getting too close to being the center of my life. Later, as I reviewed and thought more about what the guy had said, I suddenly realized something I hadn't in years and years: Christ was the only man who was willing to die for me! Because he was in love with me that much. God loved me so much that he turned himself into a human (far below who he truly is) in order to die for me and that the love that was displayed was undoubtedly true love and the love that was sacrificed was eternal so when he was raised from the dead, so this love became everlasting for all. It couldn't be a human love because then that love wouldn't be God's true love; it would be fickle, ever changing and subjective. :*) And slowly but surely God began to speak to me and my heart telling me how much he loved me and how he wanted to be so close to me! For the first time ever in my life, I was beginning to understand and look at God how I always wanted to and longed to: The lover of my soul... I couldn't help but walk around the rest of the day with a huge smile on my face and skip in my step! :D Yes, that wish is still there but its not so dominating in my life! Its so... well, liberating... :)

Well that's it for now... sorry if this was pretty long but I thought you guys would like to know. Now its time for me to get back to my homework and the likes... love y'all! Later days!

~Jeanne ;)

PS-Btw, got a phone! Email me if you want my number... :)

Arriving in Toccoa, Delays and New Possibilities...

2010-08-23T20:08:00.003-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all y'all are doing well.. I know I am! :D

So... its official! I'm here in Toccoa and already started going at it full throttle here! I had to show up here last Tuesday to begin orientation and thanks to the help of my dad and my absolutely wonderful best friend Rich I was able to move everything in real quick (unfortunately we got a bit a wet, Rich more than any one else...). Soon enough, I was set up and well underway the next day in Orientation. I spent the next 5 days doing nothing but learning about the school history, the different programs, where everything on the campus was, meeting my adviser, etc. Yesterday was all the new/transfer students last day of Orientation and we began to meet more of the regular students who returned the same day. With all that done, we started classes today and I'm actually really excited! I know these classes are going to challenge me and grow me like none others have! I can't wait to see what's going to happen next... :)

So, I did receive some discouraging news this week. I met with my adviser this past week during Orientation and I explained to him what I wanted to do and what degree I would like to get and all. He looked somewhat hesitant to say what he said next: in order to do the degree I want to do (Secondary Education in History with a minor in Cross-Cultural Studies w/ a TESOL certification) it would take me doing school straight through (Fall, Winter, Spring and Summer) for the next two years and/or tack on another year. O.O; Well that's... great... *Sigh* Fortunately, Dr. Jalovick (Dr. J for short) was very encouraging and said that it maybe that God needs me here. Well, if its his will... who am I to argue? All I know is, I think I'm done switching schools! ;)

Well if anything else, I know that one thing is for sure... new adventures and possibilities are on the horizon! Who knows where God will led me next? With all the new things, new people, new places that I've begun to get acquainted with... and what's even cooler is I get to strengthen, develop and grow relationships with friends that are up here near me so that's always exciting and encouraging... ;D (Although, a few of my new "friends" up here have already tried to set me up - not once - but twice now with two different guys in less than a week! Oy vey... >.<)

Well, that's it for now! Gotta get back to the homework already (man, I hate typing that word). Hope all is going well for y'all and I hope I get to hear/see ya soon! Come on up and visit me in Toccoa! I wouldn't mind it one bit... later days!

~Jeanne;)

The Packing Begins, Understanding Men Better (or at least TRYING to) and A Late Night...

2010-08-15T16:05:00.005-04:00

Hey guys! Another week or so, Another blog for y'all to check out and see what's up with me... ;)

So its almost time... I have two days before I head to Toccoa and start into some new adventures! I can't wait!! :D I've been in checklist/packing mode for the past week trying to make sure I have everything I need to move up there with! And thanks to some wonderful friends, I have been able to get some necessities that I couldn't get so I have to give a big shout out of thanks to my friends like Rich, Melissa, Meghan and some others! Thanks guys... I wouldn't have been able to get ready without you! :*)

So as I told you the last time, I was finishing up Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust and was looking around for something else to read... you know, something meaty and heavy to read and chew on during my quiet time and all. I haven't been able to find anything yet so any suggestions would be welcomed! Right now though I've started reading a book a friend of mine told me about years ago and never read it all the way through so I decided to pick it up and vowed to finish it this time... Shaunti Feldhahn's For Women Only. This book is about the results that came from her running several surveys and statistical experiments on over 1,000 men in order to truly and honestly understand men from the inside out! And let me tell ya... there have been so many times that I've had to pick my jaw off the floor after reading, learning and understanding some things about men that I never knew! Now that I do have this information, I hope that I can start implementing them so that I can become a better daughter, sister, and friend to all the men in my life (and eventually become an understanding and encouraging girlfriend and wife when the time comes).

Anyway, last night was a first for me... I had a hard time falling asleep so obviously I stayed up till 4am! >.< Why? Well... its hard to explain. It might have been all the stuff that is going on with me with the move to Toccoa, the expectations, the feeling of leaving again, etc. It may be that I again had to face some feelings and thoughts that I've had for a while now when it comes to different things about myself, my life, my relationships with others and my walk with God. It may have been a sudden need and urgency to pray for my family and friends, near and far. I prayed, cried, humbled, rejoiced and sang last night to God which I hadn't done in a while; thanking him for the good and the bad; the past, present and future; for my friends and enemies... its been a while since I've done something like that and I KNOW I needed it. It helped me today as I was going about my day... and it helped my heart begin to fill with more excitement and happiness for all that is happening and coming my way and more importantly, feeling and being overjoyed, blessed and humbled by God's love, presence and promise in my life. Yes, very good indeed... :)

Well that's it for now! Hopefully the next time I'll be talking to you will be when I'm up in Toccoa and getting things under way for school! I hope and pray that y'all have a great, new and blessed week ahead and I hope I see some of y'all soon... later days!

~Jeanne;)

A quickie of a blog: Toccoa: straight ahead, children growing and breaking new ground...

2010-08-06T10:36:00.004-04:00

Hey there y'all! I know its been awhile but all is well and hopefully the same can be said for y'all!

Well, I have about a week and a half left before I'm up in Toccoa! I can't wait!! :D New adventures, new people, new goals... I couldn't be more excited or anxious to see what life has in store for me up there! I do know that God has lead me there for several reasons and I can't wait to see! :)

Well, its that time of the year again: back to school for everyone (especially in my house). My mom is heading back to teach first grade for her 4th year now (she's amazing at it, just saying!) and all of the kids are heading to school as well: my nephew Jarrett is about to start Pre-K here (he's getting so big) while Layla, my niece is heading to 3rd (she's become a bit of a fashionista). Savannah, my little sister, is heading into 5th grade - her last year of elementary school while Harrison my little brother is starting into middle school this year. I can't believe he's in the 6th grade now! He's gotten so big and is so sharp! Its time like these I can't help but face the fact that they've grown up so much! I love them to pieces!! And its also good cause now the adults have the house to themselves again in the day... ;)

In the reading department, I'm still reading my LOTR series! Don't know if I'll get it done in time but I'm determined to finish it. Now when it comes to my books for quiet time... well, lets just say that I've been breaking some serious ground, especially in the areas of faith and trust which is something I've been needing to deal with for a while. I just finished John Ortberg's "Faith & Doubt" (which is incredible - that's one that everyone should read, especially those who dealing with the issue of whether or not Christians should have doubt). Now, I've started into another Brennan Manning book that a friend of mine has been recommending to me for a while now, "Ruthless Trust". I read the first chapter last night and it has already hit me hard in the heart and torn me up a bit inside - which is a very good thing. I don't have much to go on right now but if this is how its going to be every time I pick up this book, I can't wait to read it... :)

Well, that's it for now! (Told ya it would be quick) Hope you all are having a fabulous end to the summer, good luck (and God speed) to those of you returning to school (I know I'll probably need it) and hope to hear from y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne ;)

Reading Update (sorta), Staying in the present and Faith/Doubt

2010-07-19T22:33:00.004-04:00

Hey y'all! Hope all is well in every way possible... things are going pretty well for me! :)

Well the reading update is kinda like this... Due to being insanely busy the past couple of weeks, I'm just now finishing the Hobbit and starting onto the first of the Lord of the Rings books, The Fellowship of the Ring. I'm still not sure which is my favorite book yet but I DO know that the first of the LOTR movies was probably my favorite! Can't wait to get into these books and enjoy the story all over again...

I don't know about you but I'm having a REAL hard time staying focus on the here and now and not trying to think about how in less than a month I'll be out on my own (again), living in a new place and meeting new people (again but this time at Toccoa Falls) and pursuing my dreams and passions as a teacher and missionary! ^.^ I do know also that when one does this, doubt and other questions come to the forefront like "Should I quit my job and if so, can I find a job there?", "Will people like me?", "Am I really going in the right direction?" Right now, for some reason though, the excitement and sense of adventure this choice brings me seems to be trumping these doubts like they're nothing! So I'm going on... Also, my mom suggested that I should start looking into graduate programs. Right now, all I know is that I want to continue my studies in history... maybe I should do Asian history? And maybe even do it... overseas?! :D Who knows, we'll see.

Well besides the Hobbit/The Lord of the Ring trilogy books, I'm reading two books for my quiet time: Crazy Love by Francis Chan (OMG! Its incredible... everyone should read this book. If you read no other book of his, read that one!) and Faith & Doubt by John Ortberg (again, another awesome book)! In Chan's book, like with all his books I've read, its messed me up some inside... in a good way. Its made me rethink my actions and thoughts about how I treat others, especially those that have hurt me the most, especially those who are close to me when they do it. I'm still reading through it and its still helping me in so many ways!
Now with Ortberg's book, its messes me up in another way... which is also good. In his book, he shows how any and every Christian has doubts and its fine and in fact, its great! Being a Christian doesn't mean you have to rid yourself of doubt... I'm sure even Mother Teresa and the Pope had it from time to time. Its all about which you choose to follow in the end and which ever you choose, you choose based out of certain convictions that you not only were taught but that certain "beliefs" that you yourself have come to believe and developed, whether you realize it or not, can actually be completely opposite of what a Christian is suppose to believe/follow. Its really awesome stuff... really makes you rethink and take inventory of your actions, words and... well, beliefs! Highly recommend it! :)

Well that's it for now.. I'd like to give a quick shout out to my little nephew, Jarrett who will be 4 this week! Happy birthday Jett! Hope y'all have a great week and I hope to see and hear from y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Summer thus far, Reading; God, me and new (or old) understandings...

2010-07-09T20:28:00.005-04:00

~Courtesy of redlion1961 on Flickr

Hey there everyone! Hope the summer is treating y'all well and y'all are getting out, seeing family, vacationing and all that fun stuff! :)

~Courtesy of Suzanne Williams Photography

With summer already being about half way over(>.<... sorry for the reminder y'all), I can't help but begin to start focusing on the things coming this fall: new school, new people, new opportunities and new friends to meet! This year I'll be starting into my junior year (yay! Over half way done!) and will be starting into a new program rather than the history one I was in at Atlanta Christian College: Bachelor's of Science degree in Secondary education focusing on history with a minor in cross-cultural studies and a TESOL certification (Teachers of English to Speakers of Other Languages). Hopefully with this dream degree of mine I'll be able to do a few of the things my heart has passions for: history, teaching and missions. I can't wait to get back on the mission field and I know exactly where I want to head: somewhere in the Asia continent! :)

~Courtesy of Anninreallife.wordpress.com

Well as some of you might know, I'm a serious bookworm and when I get into a book, I SERIOUSLY get into it. Unfortunately though due to working, cleaning and helping take care of kids, I'm not able to read as much as I wanted to. Although I have finished the entire Narnia series I have tried to finish the Hobbit/LOTR series and it hasn't been easy. But I will finish it, no matter what, by the end of the summer! >.< Fortunately, I have found a book or two to read during my quiet time and right now I've been hung up alot on Francis Chan's stuff. After reading "Forgotten God", I've wanted to read more of his stuff and luckily I have gotten a hold of a copy of "Crazy Love". Even though I've only read the first chapter, its amazing! My mom is also reading it right now and she loves it too! I can't wait to read all of it... :)

~Courtesy of blog.ephemeraleternity.com

Well I'm not gonna lie, my friends: I've had a pretty rough few weeks. I've dealt with quite a few different things about myself, my life, my family and others and it hasn't been easy! I've had to admit to myself alot of things I didn't want to and begin working through stuff I didn't want to touch! After all is said and done, a few things I have been reminded will remain the same and always will:

1) No matter how perfect I may think something/someone may be for me, God usually has better things in mind/planned for me.

2) Nothing/No one is worth sacrificing the dream/passion God has placed in your heart. Period!

3) Whatever God has given you, if it isn't stewarded properly, He can and will take it away.

4) If you don't learn how to live with yourself and be content, then you will NEVER be able to live with others (especially those who you truly want to be with).

5) Anything/Any one you might try and make plans around and with, if it isn't a part of God's plan, it will hurt separating from it/them(like untangling your heart/mind from a thorny and prickly weed that has ensnared it)

It smarts when you realize that most of these truths were things that you thought you knew and believed in until they come back to you in new understandings and in new issues/circumstances you encounter (I know they did me). They aren't easy to fully learn and understand the first time around so that's why God takes you through them, again and again, until you do get it.

Well that's it for now... again, I hope you all are having a great summer! Take it easy when you can and I hope to see ya soon! Later days! ;)

~Jeanne;)

TFC Paperwork: done, Joyce Meyer, an old but familiar label and a new battle I have to face...

2010-06-22T12:37:00.006-04:00

Hey everyone! Hope y'all are having a great one, especially to you dads out there! I hope y'all had a wonderful Father's Day! I got alot stuff actually I'm working through right now but I know its all for the best... in the end... ;)

Right now, my biggest success is that I finally finished all of my paperwork for Toccoa Falls! It took forever to get together all of my medical stuff and to finish off tests and stuff but I got it all done! I also found out that my schedule has been put together for me so I will be seeing it soon! Can't wait... just about 7 more weeks! :D

~Courtesy of Books-A-Million

Right now I've digging into a new book for my devotional time, "Knowing God Intimately" by Joyce Meyer. This book, already in its first chapter, is grabbing hold of me and shaking me! In the first chapter it not only talks about us addressing and identifying the feeling of something missing inside of us, but also so much more. Like when it comes to striving to get closer to God. Joyce states it as bluntly and as simply as possible: "At this moment, each one of us is as close to God's throne of grace as we choose to be." ((O.o)); Okay, I don't know about you but if I get as gut level honest with myself as possible, the truth is I really spend hardly ANY TIME with God and there is no one else to blame for that but myself. Not my family, not work, not the kids, not chores... NOTHING! I'm the one solely responsible for my pursuit and time with God! Even though I think I'm spending enough time with him, I can't help but feel ashamed of not spending ENOUGH time with him.
She continues on shows examples out of both the old and new testament about the levels of intimacy that the Israelites (Old Testament-Exodus) and Jesus' followers (New Testament-Luke) had with God/Jesus. In the old testament, specifically in Exodus 19, it talks about the different levels that the people of Israel, as well as certain leaders of theirs, could only go so far. The actual people: the base of the mountain, the 70 leaders along with Aaron and his sons: a little further up, Joshua and Moses: higher still, and finally Moses: to the summit. I can't help but see the huge contrast not only in the devotion and level of intimacy that the people had compared to Aaron and the leaders, these leaders compared to Joshua and Joshua to Moses. If you know the story of what happens afterwards (the making of the golden calf) then you can see that their level of intimacy played GREATLY into their devotion to God:

-The Israelites - only allowed to the base of the mountain - they wanted a golden calf to worship and worshiped it after not hearing or seeing Moses in 40 days
-Aaron, his sons and the 70 leaders - only allowed a little way up - lead in the production and worship of the golden calf
-Joshua - only allowed to go up just below the summit - assisted Moses faithfully, stay in deep devotion with God on a DAILY basis, was one of the twelve spies to go into the promised land but only one of the two to come back and speak in good report about God giving it to them and later became the leader to lead the new generation of Israel into the promised land
-Moses - allowed to go to the summit - received the Ten Commandments, spoke to God face to face as if his friend, continued to lead the Israelites and saw the promised land in his final days.

In the New Testament, another story plays a bit different but you see the same 4 levels being displayed in Luke 10:

-70 people - sent out to cities ahead of Jesus to let them know of his coming
-12 disciples (apostles) - chosen to share a deeper relationship with him
-Peter, James and John - these 3 were chosen to take part in situations that none other could be a part of with Jesus
-John - of the three, he was the only one comfortable enough with his relationship with Christ to lay his head upon his (our) savior's chest as the Lord taught of the kingdom and God.

I don't know about you but I wanna be like Joshua, Moses, Peter, James or even John. And I know God wants me to as well and is willing to get that close to me. HOWEVER, its up to ME to make the sacrifices and make the decisions to become like these men, no one else is responsible for that. :)

~Courtesy of WaxOwl on Flickr

Okay, so you know how people will say things about you and sometimes it either rolls off your back or it kinda shakes you a bit? Well that happen to me this week... one of my coworkers at work was having a terrible day and was feeling quite bad. Then suddenly she walked over to me and hugged me! "Okay..." I thought and proceeded to hug her back. I could tell after hugging her that she was looking for some kind of comfort. Finally she pulled me away and said, "You have the best hugs... almost like a motherly, comforting kinda of hug. I love that and need that some times... thanks... " Now I really took this as a compliment and told her that I am more than happy to hug her when she needed it. But it wasn't until I left work that I realized that that wasn't the first time that I had been labeled as "motherly" and I also know why I'm that way. You see for those of you who don't know, I have four kids in my house all under the age of 11. Ever since the first one was born I've helped to raise them and take care of them. I didn't really realize until now that I have ALOT of motherly qualities and was able to possess them without actually having children myself. I also know that for many people, teens, college students and others, this can be comforting for them when they are needing it! For a single, 26 year old this is a good thing, I guess. My mom says it prepares me for my own kids when they come... I hope so... :)

~Courtesy of Cap-Com.com (sorry but those that know me know I have to get my anime in some way...)

This pic pretty much describes what I'm feeling right now: like the enemy is relentlessly at me, gnawing and picking at thoughts that I know aren't true but I can't help but feel are and they're really gettin' at me right now. One of which is the feeling of being used. Now this isn't a new feeling... this is one I've had for years. And its not just with my friends but even complete strangers just so that they can get what they want. I know that to some extent that this isn't true but in other ways, I can't help but feel like it is. You probably know what I'm talking about: people who come to you, asking for help, for advice, for confirmation, for money, to be the plan B person, to be the backup in case something falls through, for... whatever! And yet these same people who call you "friend", they don't ever return it to you, or they don't call you to check in on you or invite you to anything. You're just the good, wise friend who always is able to make others happy, content and point people in the right direction yet is never happy or content with themselves. *Sigh* Sorry... venting a bit, but right now this is where I'm at and this is what I feel like! Please understand that I don't want to feel this way: I love helping people, giving them advice, blessing them however I can... and yet, it feels like I'm always giving and never receiving anything. I feel almost burnt out... :(

Well, that's it for now. Thanks again for checking it out (sorry for all the venting and it being so long). Take care... later days!

~Jeanne;)

The new job, My new obsession, Getting back to the basics and Counting down the days...

2010-06-13T23:08:00.006-04:00

~Provided by Look13 - Desafio Maio 2010 Blythecombr on Flickr

Hey y'all! Hope everyone is having a great time as summer is getting underway. I've heard alot of people are getting some vacation done already, heading to the beach, the mountains and all... lucky ducks... ;P* (j/k)

Well, life is going... well lets just say its going right now. One of the upsides to life is that I've started the new job at Barnes and Noble working in their cafe as a barista! Love it! So much fun... the people there are incredibly friendly and fun! I'm learning the routines and everything right now for the job... hopefully I'll learn them quickly and be an effective worker there! :)

~Provided by Delviking on Flickr

So, confession time: I'm absolutely OBSESSED with reading right now. Okay, I was kinda bad before I went to school and even during school but now that I'm on summer vacation (as well as working in a bookstore that encourages you to read as much of the books they have to help be a better bookseller) its gotten so much worse. On top of that, a new library has opened near our house so I have access to even more books! As of right now, I'm about to finish the Chronicles of Narnia and start into the Lord of the Rings series. After that, I'm thinking about checking out fantasy/fictional stuff... getting excited here! (Pardon my geekiness) :D

~Provided by Anivide.com

Also, this plays some into my quiet time material. Right now, I'm reading Brennan Manning's "The Furious Longing of God" (and soon "Knowing God Intimately" by Joyce Meyer) which is playing a part in teaching me what I really believe God is trying to remind me: don't forget the basics! Sometimes, with everything coming at me and other people who have new and/or huge responsibilities, jobs, and lives while living in this world with its politics, economy, etc... one can definitely forget the basics of life: God, family, love and quite a few others. Right now I'm focusing on and digging deeper into an area of God I've really never bothered with much and just kinda took what people have told me or what I've heard here and there (but probably I was afraid to touch myself): that God is in love with me. That he is the lover of my soul and that he desires to have a relationship with me but not as a servant would have with their master or a child would have with their father but as two lovers would have with each other. Truly, this is going to be a doozie for me... ;)

Well, as of right now I'm counting down the weeks until I get to Toccoa and start my education program there (which happens to be about 8 weeks, give or take a day)... can't wait! I know God is going to do extraordinary things up there for me and with me! :D

Well, That's it for now... time for me to hit the sack and prepare for the week! Hope all of y'all have a great week and as Truman from the amazing movie, The Truman Show, says: "Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night!" ;)

~Jeanne;)

Its been a while... school over and summer starting, job and life now...

2010-05-30T18:03:00.006-04:00

Hey guys! Sorry its been awhile... TONS of things happening at once and helping the family out as much as possible! But here ya go...

So... SCHOOL IS OVER! Well it was over like a couple of weeks ago but still...Trying to take it easy and not focus too much on school next year. Just relaxing and enjoying my summer. Although some awesome stuff has been happening when it comes to Toccoa: I had all my credits accepted so I'll be a junior this year going in, I've been awarded two scholarships and I've already met some wonderful people who are going to be attending up there this next year! I'm really excited!! :)

So the summer is beginning and I really don't know what to expect during this time! I want to hang out with friends and try to pick up relationships I left off from a while ago but I don't know anymore. So much is going on with my family financially I don't know if I'll even really have a vacation. Please pray for us as we are trying our hardest to make ends meet! It would be much appreciated...

I've tried to help them out some by looking for a job... and I got one! I'm working a very part time job at Barnes and Noble near home as a barista in their cafe! I'm excited to be working and doing something I'm good at and love doing-making people happy and making their day complete! Pray that I get more than 15 hours a week though...

Right now, life - especially my spiritual walk - feels somewhat on coast mode, which to me doesn't seem right! I've tried to do quiet times and seek what God wants but right now I don't seem to hear anything from him! It feels like for now I need to just read some stuff on the Holy Spirit and encourage myself/remind myself who I am. I'm doing that right now by reading Francis Chan's "Forgotten God" and I'm about to start reading a book I read when I was a missionary in Mexico, Neil Anderson's "Who I Am In Christ". Pray that God speaks to me... I feel like I should be hearing something from him but I don't know what!

Well gotta go! Heating up the grill and making the family some burgers for dinner... y'all take care and have a happy and safe Memorial Day weekend! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Enjoying Spring, My birthday, "Twitterpated" and the Home Stretch with a New Chapter in life coming...

2010-04-24T13:14:00.010-04:00

~Courtesy of me! ;)

Hey there guys! Hope all is going well for y'all! This week has been quite a week for me...

First of all, Spring has sprung... with a vengeance! Not only have the flowers bloomed and the grass has turned greener, but the pollen is killin' alot people's sinuses here! For some reason it only affects me the first couple of days but then I'm over it. Weird... anywho, thanks to school finally slowing down some I've been able to get out and do favorite hobby I hadn't done in a while: photography. Yep! I got out and took some pictures (as you can see above) of some of the flowers here at ACC in full bloom. It was so nice... and then earlier this week I also happen to a little free time to sit and snap a few shots of a couple of volleyball games... all in all, it was great! ;)

Also this past week, it was my 26th birthday (don't really feel 26...) and it was good. Not much to do when you have hardly any money, time or a car to do stuff. Anywho, people did wish me a happy birthday and I got a lovely home-made card from my friend Rebecca, a massive birthday cupcake from my "twin" Kate (btw, after eating that thing I had to detox from sugar the rest of the day... @.@; ) and a wonderful birthday card from my best friend Rich! Absolutely made my day!! :D

One of the interesting things I've been encountering here at school as well as with people who are a part of my college ministry is the topic of relationships! Yes, spring is in the air and everyone is going to become "twitterpated" (hopefully y'all know what that means and if you don't go watch Disney's Bambi) - and it very much has here at ACC. So many people have going into relationships here and its wonderful to see! As I talk to some of these people, they talk about one thing in particular that they have faced before in other relationships and fear in these new ones: the possibility of losing their significant other and how it will affect them. I can understand... its not something everyone wants or needs. Many of these people have talked to me about how they've become so distraught and in shambles after the relationship has ended. With about every single one, I've told them the same two things: First of all, the human heart was meant to be broken. As I shared in a previous blog about one of the unforgettable quotes that CS Lewis says in his Four Loves book, "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...But in that casket...it will change...it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." We, as humans and more so as Christians, are meant to have breakable hearts. If not, it is a damned heart - one that can't love and can't be loved, can't be changed and will become nothing but a dead weight on one's soul. Secondly, the level of pain and agony one goes through after a relationship ends shows just how much one has lost their true identity in the relationship. I understand loving a person can make you blind and change you in dramatic ways but if you use the relationship in order to add another label to yourself instead striving and seeking God and what he has created you to be, then you have lost perspective of the truly bigger picture in your life. One of the reasons if not the main reason for you not to lose yourself in a relationship is this: how is that going to benefit you and your significant other in the end? If God created you a certain way, why are you changing yourself and not allowing others to see you for who you really are? To do this doesn't help edify the person you are with, it hinders them from growing and maturing and more so goes against God's will and plan in the situation. As Chris McCandless said in the movie "Into the Wild", "...you are wrong if you think that the joy of life comes principally from the joy of human relationships. God's place is all around us, it is in everything and in anything we can experience. People just need to change the way they look at things." If we keep God in the forefront of our thoughts and make all relationships, friendships as well as intimate ones, God-centered then you will not only stay your true self -the one that God created and ordained for his will - but you will see others for who they really are and the blessings and lessons that come out of those relationships. ;)

Finally, I'm entering the home stretch... that's right! School is almost over! This next week is the last week of normal classes and the following will be final exams for the semester! I'm so excited about it almost being over and summer beginning but I'm also sad due to this being my last semester at ACC. As sad as it is though I also know this is what God wants of me so I have peace about it and I look at it as... well another adventure for me to experience, another chapter to the story of my life that God pinned so long ago. I know its going to be interesting to see what God has in store for me: the people I'll meet and the relationships that will come out of it, the opportunities I'll have at this new school and the lessons and growth that I'll experience up in Toccoa Falls. Hopefully, I won't stick out... too much... ;)

Well that's it! Thanks again for checking out my blog! Hope y'all have a great week... and remember you students out there: only a couple more weeks! Hang in there and finish strong! Later!

~Jeanne;)

Dorm Wars, School projects, on being a financial steward and my birthday...

2010-04-10T13:39:00.009-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for you in your lives. Many things are going on in my life right now so lets get started shall we? ;)

This past week we had dorm wars here at our school. Now, I'll admit, I didn't want to participate because I had ALOT of work and working to do here at school so I was really trying to avoid it as much as possible. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out so well. Our team, the girls' apartment aka The Flamingo Chicas, was having a hard time trying to get people involved so I agreed to help with a few competitions but not all of them. So, of course, they had me in arm wrestling, dodge-ball, and tug of war. I didn't think it would be such a big deal and that I wouldn't get hurt... I was wrong...

*Rope burn that stretched from my wrist up to my shoulder*

*Bruise from the rope straining and rubbing against my arm and one of the girl's fists being pinned under my arm during the matches*

LOL! Sorry if this grosses any of y'all out, out there in internet world. Fortunately, these "battle scars" were worth it because in the end our dorm (apartments) won overall! So I'm proud of my girls for working so hard and participating as much as they did and could! Go Flamingo Chicas!! :)

Moving on to other things going on in my life, right now its the last few weeks of the semester here at our school so of course projects are in the processing of being made and turned in. Luckily I finished one of three of mine (12 page paper on the Egyptian gods of the underworld, focusing primarily on Osiris, Isis and Horus). It wasn't fun typing and constructing but it was fun researching and finding out all these different myths and stories connected to these gods. After researching various articles and 15 or so books (including the original transcripts and translated transcripts of the Book of the Dead and Plutarch's "On Isis and Osiris"), I was able to get it done and with a week to spare. Right now, I'm just letting it sit and "breathe" a bit before I look back over one more time for revision and then I'll turn it in. Right now, however, I'm working on my other two projects: an interview paper for my Women's History class in which I had to interview an older woman, 60 or older, and tell of her experiences and how she could be placed in history. My other project, a group project, focuses on the debate of whether or not Christians should participate in military service and show the different perspectives of people from the 2nd and 3rd Century church and people's perspective today. Hoping to get these two done ASAP! We'll see... ;)

Moving on, earlier this week I FINALLY got my refund check from my school so I'm UBER excited about being able to use some of it to get my car. And then my parents called... they called me last night and told me that this woman had come to our house and telling them how she was working on behalf of our landlord (who we hadn't heard from in like over a month because for some reason he's in the hospital... please be in prayer for him) and was demanding our rent for the month or she would have us evicted! (Please continue to pray for my family and that we can get out of this house ASAP!) Unfortunately my family didn't have all the funds to pay for the rent and asked to borrow money. Naturally, I told them I would help them out however I could. I knew that that money had been given to me for a reason. By the grace of God, he gave me far more than enough to get some kind of a car and pay for the deposit at Toccoa Falls. I knew that the rest of that money was going to be used to bless and help my family or anyone else God needed me to use it for. Thankfully, years ago when I was first trying to get out on the mission field, I went through a type of bible study with a group of people at my college ministry that focused on the importance of being a God-centered steward of your finances. By the end of the study, I learned a number of things:

1) Anything and everything that I possess (clothes, finances, etc) were given to me by God.

2) Anything that is given to you by God will not just bless you but others eventually.

3)Learn the difference between what is a need and what is a want.

4) How to split your money: 10% tithe, 10% saving, 80% spending - first for bills and necessities and after that anything left over is for fun!

I also was blessed to hear my pastor at my church, 12 Stone, preach a series called "Economic Atheist" and explained how we, as followers, will trust God with anything and everything else EXCEPT our money. When we act like that, we aren't fully relying on God and really not believing in God to watch out for us and help us in our financial area of our lives. Not believing in God, no matter how small the area is, is being somewhat atheistic. We are either all in on our trust and belief in Him or not at all, we can't be lukewarm (God tells us what he'll do about that - Revelation 3:16). Just some food for thought... ;)

Any who, earlier this week someone was so "kind" to remind me that my 26th birthday was coming up in the next couple of weeks (April 21st). I swear, the older you get, the more your birthdays have the tendency to sneak up on you. Anyways, just to let y'all know I have no idea what I'm doing and in all honesty I'm too busy to really thing about what to do right now. So I don't know... we'll see what happens as it gets closer...

Well, that's it for now! Sorry if this was really long! I hope y'all have a great week ahead and to the students out there, hang in there! We're almost done! Just a couple more weeks! Love y'all! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Easter, Rare feelings, and finishing up this semester...

2010-04-04T18:49:00.002-04:00

~Courtesy of www.catholicbishops.ie

Hey guys! Happy Easter to you all and I hope all is going well! Things are pretty much going right now for me...

Easter is pretty good this year! I went home for a nice 3 day weekend since we got Good Friday off. It was great spending it with my family, eating some good food and relaxing some (thanks to homework/projects... >.<). My older sister, Jess, sang at our church, 12Stone, for Easter! OMG!! She was incredible! She did Eva Cassidy's version of "Somewhere over the rainbow"... so amazing! The reason for the song was because our pastor, Pastor Kevin or PK for short, talked about how all great stories have the same general make up and structure of the first and greatest story ever told: the story of Jesus. He pointed out that all great stories have the same three basic components: We all get lost, We all need help and There's no place like home. It was such an amazing sermon and it had me and my mom ballin' like babies! We also became witnesses to so many people accepting Jesus as their Savior for the first time and we couldn't help but be moved and rejoice with them! God was there and He changed lives these past couple of days. So incredible! Afterward, we came home, decorated eggs with the kids and chilled out for the rest of the weekend! It was great... :D

Along with all this happening, I've been working through some things of my own (like that's anything new - ;) ). Amongst clearing out all the rubbish in my mind and heart that I'm trying to throw out that aren't true and focusing on things in my life right now that are good and pleasing to God, I can't help but feel feelings I hadn't in a very long time: the feeling of love. Now hold your horses before you jump to any conclusions... I'm talking about a few different versions of love (For those of you who haven't read "The Four Loves" by CS Lewis this might not make much sense but stick with me). I usually experience and know agape love (loving/caring regardless of circumstance) as well as storge love (love/caring through familiarity like family/friends) but recently I've felt more the loves I haven't and I'm not use to feeling: that of philas love (love/strong bond shared between friends who have alot in common) and possibly eros love (the sense of "being in love") have begun to resonate a bit more than they usually do in my heart. I'm trying to understand and figure out what exactly this all might means. In all honesty I'm scared... these are feelings I haven't felt in so long and I'm terrified of jumping to the wrong conclusion or getting hurt because that's how it ALWAYS ends up. Just pray that I can figure these feelings and situations out right now... it would mean so much to me... ;)

Well to end a happier note... I have about 4 weeks left here at Atlanta Christian College! I'm trying hard to finish strong and do my best on these last few projects I have to do here for a few classes! Pray that I can get them done on time and done well! (Trying to maintain my 4.0 GPA as I transfer to Toccoa in the fall) Things are starting to pile on top of me but I know if I buckle down, grit my teeth and do my best I'll get through it before I know it!

Well that's it for now! Thanks for reading and I hope that y'all have a great week and for God to bless you! Later days! ;)

~Jeanne;)

Financial stress, Toccoa Bound and All Night Prayer...

2010-03-21T19:32:00.003-04:00

~Courtesy of DFW JobLog

Hey guys! Hopefully all is going well for y'all... Wish I could say the same here...

My family and I are going through some terrible financial stress right now. My dad has been out of job now for more than 9 months and its trying everything he can to find something, pretty much anything so he can provide for his family right now. My mom is the only working in the house right now and I know that's pretty stressful for her, trying to pay the bills and feeding 8 mouths including me and her. I ask that you pray for her that she might keep up her strength and not get stressed out. I'm so amazed by her and her hard work she's been doing to keep the family going. I love her so much! (Mom, if you're reading this, I love you and thank you for everything...) They've also been looking to move out of the house we've been in for over 5 years now. They've found quite a few and all are possible for them to get into but they need some kind of financial stability in order for it to happen. Please pray that this can be done! I'm personally going through some serious financial stress right now. I've been helping my folks however I can but due to that I've become broke and I still need to get necessities for the week (groceries, bathing stuff, etc). Please pray that God would start moving in a miraculous way, not just for me but my family as well...

I do have something to praise about: I found out this week that I've been accepted to Toccoa Falls!! YAY!! :D Now I just have to give them a $200 deposit and attend the Campus Visit Weekend... which is another reason why I need prayer. Again, no money and with my parents strapped for cash they more than likely won't be able to come get me in Atlanta and take me up to Toccoa (which is a 2 1/2 to 3 hour trip just one way! :/ ) or help me pay for the deposit! Again, pray that God's hand move in a big way right now! (more specifically, to have the deposit and the transportation to get there by Thursday!)

If you hadn't notice all the requesting of prayers right now, that's because of so much happening but more so I just helped finishing leading our first school sponsored All Night Prayer night here at ACC! We had about 5-10 people show up (people came and went through out the night) but regardless of that, it was so amazing! Something I hadn't experienced in quite some time (my college ministry use to do it and that's where I got the idea from). We talked about Lent/Sacrificing, Empowerment, Spiritual Warfare, Communion/Communing with God and others, Family and Friends and Community and prayed over all these things in our own lives and in the lives of others... it was some awesome stuff I hadn't seen since I've started at ACC. If there was one thing I can honestly say I took away from there it was this: Spiritual warfare is definitely at work more than we would like to admit and take notice of and my faith in God has been strengthen more so than it has been in a while. Thank God it was so successful and I hope that we can do it again and even more people get involved (maybe some teachers). There's no way to know or truly understand it except to experience for yourself... ;)

Well.. that's pretty much it for now! Sorry it was so short but I've got alot of stuff I got to get back to doing (homework, studying, etc.). I hope you all have a great week and I'll see ya around! Later days!

~Jeanne;)

Spring Break, Fire, and the joys and pains of life...

2010-03-14T12:03:00.008-04:00

Hey guys! Hope all is going well for everyone! This past week has been my Spring Break so I've been home spending it with my family and getting somewhat a restful week... emphasis on *somewhat*... ;)

Spring Break couldn't have come at a better time for me. Stress was starting to really get to me with school and everything else going on with life. Luckily, all of that is finished so I was able to take a breather and enjoy some rest. Since I've been home, I've been able to hang out with my family and the kids some which unfortunately I really don't get to do much of since whenever I do come home I'm swamped with homework. Still, homework needed my attention during this time and I gave in to it within the last few days here. Now that my break is ending, naturally, I'm thinking about what's ahead of me at school: schoolwork, projects, tutoring, working, studying, all-night prayer shindig I'm helping put together... just be in prayer for me as I jump right back into the stress and hard work that's ahead for me as I finish up my last semester at ACC.

During the time I've been home, if there is any thing that was prevalent during my time here it was all the different aspects of life. This past week our neighbors, Fred and Cauline, were devastated when their house was burnt down due to an uncontrollable grease fire that broke out in their kitchen. Fortunately they had house insurance and so in about 6-8 months they will be able to have their home back but more so no one was hurt. Please be in pray for them as they pick up the pieces and try to get everything worked out for them to get back into their home.

Even with this going on, more and more things have happened during this week that have just caused me to stop and realized that not only is life unexpected but also is so rare, precious and we only get one shot at it. I've had friends who's family or close friends suddenly died for various reasons. To those of you out there that are reading this and this happening to, know that I'm here if you need a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on for a time and that you are in my prayers! ;) I've also had two close girlfriends of mine who got engaged this week to their boys. I'm so ecstatic for them and I can't help but rejoice for them before God for such a joyous and wondrous time in life! Girls, if you read this, I love y'all and your boys so much and congrats!!:D

Of course with such things happening, I can't help but wonder myself what exactly God has in store for me. Life for me has never really predictable and I've got to say its been nothing short of an adventure but in all honesty I would like a little predictability. Of course, that's my controlling side wanting to get prepared and ready and make the plans that are good or great to me and not letting God take hold. No matter how hard I pray for the safety and health of my family and friends, eventually they'll leave me as time goes on. No matter how much I may pray and want a special someone in my life so I could feel reassured that I won't face this world and life by myself and know that there is someone who loves me for just being the person God created me to be.

I guess in the end, the thing I fear really isn't death or whether or not I've lived a fulfilling life but what I really fear is loneliness. And yet its the one thing I've pretty much made myself these past several years just so I can try and protect myself and my heart from so many years of moving from place to place, losing friends left and right and falling for guys that either I never had the guts to tell them the truth or them brutally using me and disregarding me. Every time I bump into this conundrum I can't help but be reminded of what CS Lewis depicts of such a heart in his book, Four Loves: "To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Gotta pray through that one... :)

Well that's it for now. Gotta finish packing for school and spend a little more time with the family before I'm gone again! Hope all is well and take care guys!

~Jeanne;)

A Hellish Life? Not really...

2010-02-28T15:17:00.006-05:00

Hey everyone! Sorry its been so long but you know with life, school and everything else in between it can get a bit hectic! Hopefully I won't do that again but you never know...

So for the past couple of weeks have been hectic for me at school with projects, papers and tests (including midterms coming up... O.o; ). However, I did give myself a day off one Saturday to go visit my great friend, Rich Douglas up in Hartwell! It was so much fun and I enjoyed the free time and the company thoroughly! Hopefully it can be done again...

When it comes to the stuff with Toccoa Falls, I'm stilling trying to finish the application process and everything. Yesterday I applied to attend their campus visiting weekend which is to happen close to the end of March so hopefully I'll learn more about the college, the degree program I'm going into and what kind of financial aid I'll receive there. Honestly, I'm really excited but I'm also kind nervous because I really don't know what to expect up there and whether or not it'll work out for me. Please pray that everything goes smoothly for this situation...

Right now for my quiet time I'm reading Brennan Manning's "The Ragamuffin Gospel" which I've heard so much about but never got a chance to read till now. I am learning so much as well as being challenged in my personal/spiritual walk. For example, one of the things Mr. Manning says in the first chapter of his book really challenges me to reevaluate my concept of faith - "If a random sampling of one thousand American Christians were taken today, the majority would define faith as belief in the existence of God. In earlier times it did not take faith to believe that God existed - almost everybody took that for granted. Rather, faith had to do with one's relationship to God - whether one trusted in God. The difference between faith as 'belief in something that may or may not exist' and faith as 'trusting in God' is enormous. The first is a matter of the head, the second a matter of the heart. The first can leave us unchanged; the second intrinsically brings change." I can't wait to tell y'all more about what I learn once I've finished the book. I really enjoy his style of writing and hope to read more of his stuff!

As I sit here thinking about what to report, I can't help but think about the lives of the Haitians and Chileans who have been rocked by the terrible earthquakes and so many lives lost. When I think about that, I realize my life is NOTHING in comparison to these people hellish lives right now. So many people, especially students, feel like life is completely unbearable. But what about those people and their lives? Is it bearable?! Sometimes I feel so guilty and stupid for complaining about stupid little infinitesimal things like school work, my lack of a social life, not having enough money in my bank account... REALLY?!

~Courtesy of AP

~Courtesy of UK Press

Yesterday and today I've spent most of the day working on a current events project for my Geography class that, at first, I thought was really lame but know that I've done it, I'm grateful! For the first time in a while, I looked at other issues going on in the world and realized just how much this world is almost CRYING OUT to God! I just pray and hope that people will begin to realize and pursue after the truth that is Christ Jesus! For the first time in a long time, my heart has begun to align with God's heart and is being broken over such devastation and evil that dwells in the minds and hearts of God's precious children, whether or not they believe in him and call him Father.

Well, that's it for now! I hope all is going well for y'all and I hope that your hearts may align with God's. Then maybe, MAYBE this world has a chance of being saved...

~Jeanne;)

Tests, Psalms and Toccoa bound...

2010-02-06T13:28:00.003-05:00

"Reflection" by knowgodknowlove.com

Hey y'all! Another awesome weekend has come upon us and I hope all of y'all will get the rest you deserve and need...

This past week was the week of tests! I think I had like 3 tests which I really didn't think I was prepared for but now that I've taken them I feel pretty good about all of them. I've also had a few other "tests" come my way as well... spiritually speaking I've been tested with how people are reacting and treating me now that they know I'm more than likely leaving. Its been good but still... kinda difficult. Also I've been facing some things about myself. I've done alot of reflecting and after realizing somethings about myself from moving around and how that has developed me as a person, I've had to face some facts as well as feelings and concepts that I didn't realize I had. Its been good but at the same time very tiring and somewhat painful... please pray that I can continue to process these things and find the ultimate truth in it all.

This past week I've been reading through some of the Psalms which I haven't done in a long time and its just so refreshing and rewarding every time I do. I just found in our school library CS Lewis' Reflections on the Psalms so I'm really excited about reading that and really for the first time ever digging into and learning about the Book of Psalms for the first time ever!

Well in other news, I've been talking about applying to Toccoa and getting that going. I can say now that it's official... I've applied to Toccoa Falls for this coming fall. I've had alot of different talks with people about this and leaving Atlanta Christian College. Some of them were goods, others not so much so... but in the end I've had alot of support and encouragement in it and thank you all for that. The hardest one for me was telling my academic adviser. She's been such a blast and a blessing to have in my life and with her being the history teacher here as well as the Dean of Academics here, I was a little nervous/afraid to tell her about this. However, I knew it needed to be done so plucking up some courage I met with her and thankfully she was completely understanding and supportive of me in this decision (although she kept saying she hates losing me because I've been such a blessing to the school and the best history tutor they've ever had). Afterward, I felt so relieved, it really felt like a load had been taken off of me... now I'm truly ready to get this process going and done!

Well... that's it for now! Hope all of y'all will have a blessed and restful weekend and have a great and safe Super Bowl Sunday... peace and chicken grease! ;)

~Jeanne;)

Faith vs. Clarity, Spiritual Warfare Returning...

2010-01-30T14:58:00.006-05:00

From deviantART.com by ~RandomK

Hey y'all! Hope all is going well for you guys! Georgia weather hasn't been treating me (or really, any one else) too kindly. Seriously... it needs to make up its mind. >:S

This week has been a week like none other... really, I have worked through and faced so many different aspects of my spiritual walk this week its pretty overwhelming. Last week I told y'all how I was having a hard time once again deciding whether or not to transfer to Toccoa Falls College. Some of you were gracious to help me with great advice and for that I'm grateful! The person who really helped me was my friend Rich Douglas. Rich and I have known each other for a couple of years and we recently were able to touch base again and get to hang out and talk again. Rich was just ordained and became the youth pastor of a baptist church out in Hartwell, GA. I was explaining to him my situation and how I was confused somewhat about whether to go or not. He told me a story he read in in a book by Brennan Manning called "Ruthless Truth", about a man who was trying to decide whether he wanted to serve in India with Mother Theresa or not. He asked her to pray for clarity for him. She said she would not. When asked why not, she replied that clarity was the one thing he still held onto and needed to let go of. It was keeping him from putting faith in what God was doing. In that instance I realized what I had been doing: I had become so focused on gaining clarity from God that I forgot that faith was the first step to it all. Clarity, most of the time, comes AFTER you put faith in him and begin the process of moving in the direction God is leading you. With that and support from my family and friends, I (again) have begun the process of heading to Toccoa Falls this coming fall semester.

Just as there is much celebration that comes with such a situation, there also comes opposition. Some of my friends and the faculty here at ACC have found out and of course are sadden and have tried to convince me otherwise but there is no use. Unfortunately the school doesn't have the program that I need/want here so I have to go. As if that weren't enough, other things have been happening with me and around me. For the first time in a long time, I have again caught a seriously glimpse at the spiritual warfare that is going on. For the past two weeks, I have heard/seen things that I can't describe in any other manner but that the Enemy is ramping up his attacks here on people, their family, situations, etc. For the first time in a while, I have had some "confrontations" with the enemy. Many of my friends have come to me, expressing issues and concerns they have and are facing right now when ever they are away from this campus. Issues like not being able to fend off the enemy, participating in sins they know better than to do, being abused verbally by so called "friends" and family, they and their family members suddenly falling gravely ill and bed ridden, getting robbed, tense situations occurring in public places where police had to get involved, being physically attacked by strangers, getting into car accidents... and the list goes on and on! I tried to figure out why it was happening and when it all got started... it started 2 weeks ago... when I decided to apply to Toccoa Falls!

What was worse was when a few nights ago the enemy came to me! As I was laying in my bed I suddenly felt like someone had thrown this blanket on top of me that covered me completely. When I opened my eyes the room was a lot darker than it should be. I thought it was just because I was so tired. As I closed my eyes to go back to sleep, I felt this pressure on one eyelid then the other as if someone was trying to keep my eyes closed. I ignored it and thought it was my sinuses acting up. The next day for some reason, that situation wouldn't leave me and I couldn't shake it so I took it to God and tried to find out what it meant. That's when I knew it was a warning: a whole new level of darkness was going to descend upon me/ACC/East Point and that the very borders of protection that is set up around our school was going to be tested. As I began to realize this, I actually began to see for the first time the hedges of protection that are set up around this school and its people and how this place is a place of refuge for people here, it is a light in this dark area of the city... so for the past couple of days I have been going to God in prayer, strapping on my armor once again and heading into battle to fight against the enemy once again...

Please, PLEASE pray for me and my school, that the hedge of protection over is stay strong against the enemy, that we may continue to be the light in this dark area and more so that this place be a safe place for sinners but not their sins... thanks everyone and God bless!

~Jeanne;)

Roads and their forks (pt. 2)....

2010-01-23T14:26:00.004-05:00

Hope all is well for everyone! This past week has been a bit of a long one for me as well as really starting to dig into my classes and trying to keep up with them and get projects started. Of course, only God knows if I'll succeed... @.@;

As I posted last week, I had come to a decision to look into and apply for Toccoa Falls College. After a week of deciding this I began the process of looking into the school and getting ready to apply for it. But for some reason, today I was hit with the realization, thanks to my dad, that maybe a little bit of this decision might have to do with the fact that I haven't really been digging into the word. Understandably so, I was a little upset/hurt (Okay I was pissed... >.<*). I've thought that I had been digging into God's word and doing my devotionals like I had always done. But as I looked back on them, it was true... my spiritual walk hasn't only been endangered by the things and people I lack here but that I had become somewhat half-hearted in my attempts to seek God when I do.

But why?! Why have I become this way? Has it just become a routine and I haven't valued that time like I once did or something else? Maybe because of what I lack here, I've become dishearten in my pursuit. Either way, with all of this coming into play, I'm really rethinking about transferring now...

Please pray that I may, once again, gain clarity on the matter, that I may regain my "internal" compass again and pray that nobody and nothing becomes my primary reason on whether I stay or go; that it be totally God and his will in the matter... I need this so bad right now guys... Thanks!

~Jeanne :*(

Roads and their forks...

2010-01-15T17:44:00.008-05:00

For the past week or so, I have been at a crossroads. Not a big deal to some but if its something that is going to alter your life (academically, spiritually, morally, etc.) then its a big deal... to you and your significant others around you. For me, its those and then some...

For the past couple of months, my parents have been talking to me about transferring from my school. I've been attending Atlanta Christian College for about a year and a half and really I liked it. I liked the classes, the people, the teachers, etc... but of course parents aren't thinking about that. They are thinking about your well-being. Because its located in a pretty rough area of Atlanta, my parents insisted that I looked into transferring. I really couldn't believe it but I also couldn't argue... they were right but not just about that. It's a pretty rough and sometimes dangerous area at times (my car got stolen my first year here... long story...) As I sat and thought and evaluated my time and my life here, I suddenly thought about my spiritual life/walk since I walked off the mission field and started here. That's when I realized something I hadn't... I had become stagnant and not just that but I realized that my spiritual life probably wasn't going to get better. I went from getting up at 5am and have hours of devotional time with God, walking away with huge chucks and nuggets of revelations, new-found knowledge and renewed love for him and it not phase me one bit... now it takes everything in me to roll out of bed and squeeze in an hour and hardly walk away with anything from him! Even though I attended chapels and went to D-Groups and looked around me to see who I could go to for spiritual guidance... I was lost! There was no one here to help me, a 25 year old full time student who was needing help and guidance from those who had come before her but there were none!! My spiritual life was in danger... My parents insisted I go someplace safer, some place with better connections, some place with a better spiritual community/life, etc. They suggested Toccoa Falls...

Well naturally, to appease my parents I looked into it. As I did, I found some awesome things about the school (1,000 acre campus, majors and minors that I could never get at my school, etc). As I sat and thought about it some more, I started weighing the pros and cons of transferring. Yes I would be giving up my friends and such but I would be gaining alot in the process. I really didn't know what to do.. I felt this allegiance to the school and the people at ACC and I didn't want to upset them or hurt them. But its not their academic life and more so their desires that are being considered, its mine! I wanted to do what was right, not just in my and others' hearts and minds but more so what was right in God's eyes and heart.

I prayed for clarity, I prayed that nothing foolish or unnecessary be the main reason on whether to stay or go. For almost a week I did and then finally... some clarity came my way. Today here at the school, a man by the name of LeRoy Lawson spoke in our Chapel service. He had spoken earlier in the week and I thought he was a pretty good speaker but nothing else. Then he started into his topic for today... the fork in the road. Naturally my ears perked up and I was ready to hear this. I knew God was going use him for me at least I hoped. And he did...

Dr. Lawson used Robert Frost's poem The Road Not Taken to help explain things a little better... take a read for yourself...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~Robert Frost, 1915

As I listened I thought, 'Okay God... so then which road should I take?' Then Dr. Lawson interrupted my thoughts and said, "Not every fork in the road is one that gives good roads and bad ones. They can give better and best ones, they can give worse and worst ones... but its up to you to make that choice." That's when it clicked for me... this whole time I was looking at as a good or bad choice instead of a better and best road. As I did, a revelation came to me: why take a road, that though it be broad and easy to walk and have many destinations and possibilities at its end, when another is being offered, one that is a bit more narrow and probably a little harder to walk but it has one destination at its end, the one you desire and knew you were created to reach? Then Dr. Lawson brought up Jesus analogy of the forked road in Matthew 7: "For wide is the gate and broad is the road... many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road... a few find it."

My mind was made up, I got my clarity that I was looking for. I felt a peace after the message I hadn't felt in a while. I was going to take the first step... I ask right now that you pray for me as I begin the process of applying to Toccoa Falls and if this really is what God wants me to do, he'd open the doors and clear the way for me. Hopefully, this is the road that God wants me on... but its as Dr. Lawson said, "Just like there will always be forks in your roads and you are going to have to choose, you will have a time later on in life in which you wonder and/or wish you had taken the other road..." I feel like I'm taking the best out of the two... hopefully, this is so...

~Jeanne;)

New Year, New Classes, New Dreams, New Books...

2010-01-11T20:58:00.006-05:00

Hey everyone!!

Hope all of y'all had a great Christmas and New Year as well as God's presence being more evident in your life! With the beginning of this year, I've started really digging back into my quiet/devotional times and for some reason wisdom has been a big thing... I'm really enjoying what I'm learning and can't wait to see what God has next for me!

Like stated in the title, I've started back to my Spring semester of my sophomore year at Atlanta Christian College and boy did I pick some doozies for classes! Ancient Near Eastern History, History and Literature of Women in America, Geography, Story of Jesus' Followers and Spanish II. Basically 4 of the 5 are history oriented and the only one that isn't is a foreign language! Oh well... I guess that's what you get for being a history major...

I've also had alot of opportunities present themselves to me. Some of them missions, others schools and still others that I really can't mention for fear of jinxing it. When it comes to the missions stuff, I have an opportunity to head to China this summer for a month to teach English there. I just finished some of the application process and had a phone interview this past weekend so right now its all prayers!! I've also had trips presented to me from my college ministry as well as other organizations. My heart has been longing for the mission field since I got back from Mexico about 2 years ago. I want to go NOW but I know the BEST one is when God's favor is in it. So, again, its all prayers and waiting...

For some reason within the past couple of months, my mind has been going towards a subject I've actually tried not to talk about/think about/spend too much time on because... well, I don't want to sound too girly and really I don't think much about it but for some reason its been quite dominate in my thoughts recently: a significant other, a boyfriend. I don't know why, I guess its that I've pushed it aside for so long or that a ton of people I know are engaged and getting married that I can't really think about anything else... its really crazy. Maybe he's in my life and I don't know it right now or that he's on his way or whatever... I just wish God would help me out in this.

One of my New Year's resolutions is to start reading more and not just anything... books that are classics. I kinda got a head start on it in November/December reading Homer's The Iliad and The Odyssey. Right now I'm reading Plato's The Republic... very interesting stuff. I hope to keep this New Year resolution.... ;)

To close, I'd like to leave ya something I've been enjoyed meditating on...

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you[d] to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."~Colossians 1:9-12 NIV

~Jeanne;)

Man its been a while...

2009-10-16T16:35:00.000-04:00

Oh my! So much happening and so little space to talk about it all...

Well just to let y'all know: I'm back at school for my sophomore year at Atlanta Christian College. I feel like such a adult now that I've moved into the apartments here on campus-of course its a little harder on the wallet but that's cool I guess...

I started into my new classes as a History major so that's always fun! I'm taking 16 hours of credit right now, work 8-13 hours a week in the library and tutor students here at the school for Western Civilization and Sociology. I'm enjoying my classes somewhat (Philosophy of Religion is alot tougher than it seems) and I've made a whole bunch of new friends!

Lately, I've been reading alot more than I usually do, especially for my quiet time. I've been reading books like If Christ Was Your Counselor by Chris Thurman, Who You Are When No One Is Looking by Bill Hybels and my most recent one, The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. God really seems to be stretching me in some various ways that I wasn't really expecting but its all good and it'll bring him glory. I really believe he's preparing even more so for the mission field again. Ever since the beginning of this semester I've felt the small longing and desire for the mission field grow more and more and every time I question God about it, he tells me "Pactience... it will happen soon..." Lately my heart has been pulled to the East to Japan, China and Thailand. Maybe that's where he's preparing me? I hope so... it would be a dream come true for sure...

Well gotta run! Have some projects and midterms to finish up as well as homework... I hope all is well with y'all! Take care and God bless!

~Jeanne;)

Hey blogging world! Help a sister out... literally...

2009-05-27T12:29:00.000-04:00

Hey guys! I know its been a while but I needed to post this and get all the help I can for my sister. Her and her band, the Rudy Vaughn aka Sweet Potato Pie band is one of the top 5 finalists for a national wide contest! The winner gets to open for Bruce Springsteen and Dave Matthews Band in London! This would be an incredible opportunity for her and all her friends! Please, please, please, PLEASE... help them out and vote for them!

Go to the website below and check out there video, if you need a visual on what you are voting for, and cast your vote! You can only vote once so MAKE IT COUNT!! Thanks so much...

God bless and please pray for them! Love y'all!

~Jeanne;)

Gettin' back to it...

2009-01-08T22:55:00.000-05:00

*"Get back to work" provided by arenarop on Flickr*

Well I'm back here in Atlanta... getting back to classes and homework, chillin' with friends and enjoying the dorm life!

I just finished my second day of classes and have been exposed to all of them now so I know what I'm getting myself into... its been confirmed that there will be NO ROOM OR TIME what so ever for any kind of drama in my life! I've started into my major classes (Educational Foundations) as well as all the other classes (College Math, Biblical Survey, English 102, US History and Intro to Biology). Yep! Full 17 hour days... hopefully this won't be too much for me!

Otherwise, things are good. My family is doing their things- mom is back at school teaching, kids are back at school learning, dad is back to work for Men at the Cross and Jess is looking into going back to school to become a nurse. So proud of all of them!

Now when it comes to me and God right now... I felt, close to the end of last year, that God wanted me to revisit a book I read a while back when I was in Mexico called "Hinds' Feet on High Places" by Hannah Hurnard (if you haven't read this book, Ladies especially, truly a classic... you need to read it!). There are some things in that book that I completely forgot about and when I reread them just recently, they have just captured my heart and mind right now... like when the heroine, Much Afraid is speaking to the Shepherd after he asked her if Love had been planted in her heart. Her reply...

"I think that what is growing there is a great longing to experience the joy of natural, human love and to learn to love supremely one person who will love me in return. But perhaps that desire, natural and right as it seems, is not the Love of which you are speaking?... I see the longing to be loved and admired growing in my heart, Shepherd, but I don't think I see the kind of Love that you are talking about, at least, nothing like the love which I see in you."

Oh my gosh... you have no idea how that floored me when I read that!! The love that all people seek (not just girls, guys!) is a love, really a TRUE love that can never die, never diminish, doesn't have to do with anything physical or sexual or whatever else! The love that is being talked about is the love that the creator of love originally designed for all people to experience... an unrequited, undeserving, unconditional love. Now tell me where you can find a love like that? Especially on this earth? No where! So why are we trying to find a substitute for it so we can just at least experience or "feel" love when the love that is meant for us, for that empty place in your heart is far better, wholesome and truer than even the best love we can find on this earth?

Switchfoot came out with a song called "Easier than love". Take a look at the lyrics...

Sex is currency
She sells cars,
She sells magazines
Addictive bittersweet, clap your hands,
with the hopeless nicotines
Everyone's a lost romantic,
Since our love became a kissing show
Everyone's a Casanova,
Come and pass me the mistletoe

Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It's easier to fake and smile and bribe
It's easier to leave
It's easier to lie
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul?
Numb

Sex is industry,
The CEO, of corporate policy
Skin-deep ministry,
Suburban youth, hail your so-called liberty
Every advertising antic,
Our banner waves with a neon glow
War and love become pedantic,
We wage love with a mistletoe

Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone

She is easier than love
Is easier than life
It's easier to fake and smile and bribe
It's easier to leave
It's easier to lie
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul?

It's easier to love,
It's easier to love
It's easier to love,
It's easier to love
She is easier than love,
It's easier to love

Everyone's been scared to death of,
Everyone's been scared to death of,
Everyone's been scared to death of dying here alone,
alone

Sex is easier than love,
It's easier than love,
It's easier to fake and smile and brag
It's easier to leave,
It's easier to lie,
It's harder to face ourselves at night
Feeling alone,
What have we done?
What is the monster we've become?

Where is my soul? (Where is my?)
Where is my soul?

Interesting huh? Hmm... its a good question, an honest question that can be hard a lot of times to ask ourselves but should be asked more often: Where is my soul? Where is my heart in all this? Am I really willing to inflict such serious wounds upon myself, scarring my heart with a substitute of the real kind of love that should be there just so I won't be alone?

~Jeanne;)

Love songs...

2008-12-30T01:20:00.000-05:00

*Provided by Massepas via Flickr- "Broken Hearts"*

I never realized until recently just how much love songs I have on my iTunes. Not good or healthy in any way, I don't think. Especially the condition my heart is in...

Now I'm not about to go into some in depth, very personal stuff in my life but when it comes to relationships and all... well lets say I don't do so well in my life. I've only had one boyfriend my entire life, it lasted 3 months and the reason for the break up wasn't because he just wanted to be "just friends" but figured out I wasn't so willing to... well I don't need to really get into detail but the thing is I haven't had many relationships with guys more than just friends and even though I've been patient and waited and waited and waited... you know, I'm kinda of tired of waiting! I'm almost 25 years old and look around and see girls my age or younger getting guys left and right and then finally finding the right one and getting married!

And recently I met a guy at school... we're interested in each other but things are complicated... so the break from school and each other is giving us a chance to chill and get a break, emotionally, from this all. But for some reason... it hasn't been much of a break for me. I think about him every day... and every time I do, I give him up to God in my prayers and the SONGS DON'T HELP!! And its not just on iTunes, its the radio, the music at department stores... seriously! Its one of these three songs that always plays:

Realize by Colbie Caillat (his favorite)
Stolen by Dashboard Confessional
Crush by David Archuleta

I don't get it... is it just coincidence or is it a sign? Which ever... I wish this thing would be figured out soon...

Sorry to sound like such a girl but this for some reason right now is a real issue for me (this is something I don't usually deal with... seriously...) Pray for me please. Thanks!

~Jeanne;)

Gifts shouldn't collect dust...

2008-12-23T18:32:00.000-05:00

Its so funny how kids can say and do the most random of things and yet they'll say or do one thing and BAM! Its a God word to you... so it happened to me this morning...

My 2 year old nephew Jarrett was playing with his big sister Layla. They were chasing each other around and then the both of them found their 10 year old uncle's lightsabers. So of course they play and run around some more and then suddenly Jarrett runs to me, holding his lightsaber close to him and yelling at his sister, "No Layla! No hit my lightsaber!" I laughed and told him, "Jarrett that's what you're suppose to do with a ligthsaber." But he wouldn't listen as he stood in the far corner of the room, cradling the fictional weapon as if it were a living thing all its own. He didn't want a dent on it, a scratch, a chance for it to be damaged or ruined in any way shape or form.

Suddenly I thought about Anakin or Obi-Wan Kanobi doing this with their lightsabers, Aragon doing that with his sword, Anduril or even (for you anime fans out there) Ruroni Kenshin never drawing it and yelling, "HEY! That's my sword! I don't want you causing any damage to it! Its so pretty and shiny and..."

As I chuckled to myself about these random pics running through my mind, I was reminded for some reason instantly about "gifts", "abilities" and "weapons" and not just any kind, mine. And then a voice said loud enough in my heart to catch my attention and stop me in my tracks, "Are you holding back?"

Suddenly stories flashed across my mind of people, in the bible, who withheld...

--Cain not giving the first of his fruits yet his brother Abel did...

--The wicked and lazy servant with only one talent in Jesus' parable...

--Ananias and Sapphira keeping money from the early Church in Acts...

As I sit here and think about certain things and "gifts" I can use against the enemy, I ask myself what about the everyday stuff? What about the gifts and abilities God has given me? Do I withhold those as well: the ability to love even when I have the right not to, the ability to show compassion, mercy and grace even when the world around me tells me not to or if I have a reason to? See this thing isn't just the enemy's fault all in all... its my fault too. By me allowing reasons determine my actions and my feelings instead of allowing the things God has taught me through out the years, I have chosen what I think or really what the world thinks I should do in response to something with holding what should given in God's eyes. And when that happens... God can't be seen because he won't show up.

And of course this is happening at the part of the year it really shouldn't be happening at... CHRISTmas! You know? The time when it should be more about Jesus and not so much about me and because of my split second, me center decisions many people have been the results of my harsh actions and my double edge sword of a tongue, especially those that I hold close and say I love. I pray that God would forgive me and my family would do the same even if they give me reason not to love on them. The love, the grace, the mercy, the kindness... the things that I'm so use to showing them for some reason recently have been left on the shelves in my heart collecting dust and sometimes can't even be found because they're so unrecogizable. My family almost fell apart because of decisions like these once... I can't let the enemy get a foothold in my family anymore! Its time for me not only to dust off the spiritual weapons to fight off the enemy but the gifts that can strengthen the chances and opportunities for God to show up on this earth!

~Jeanne;)

----------------
Now playing: Charlie Hall - Center
via FoxyTunes

Who I am... the truth...

2008-12-04T18:02:00.000-05:00

Hey guys!! Sorry about not posting something for such a long time! Man, its already December?! Holy cow... any who...

Well, its crunch time! That's right... its time for final exams and the like. Unfortunately though this is also a time for me when I am going through some hard stuff, relationship-wise. I just ask for your prayers right now in that clarity will be brought about and that a friendship can still be salvaged out of all this craziness.

Besides that though, everything is great! My dad has a new job now, working for a men's organization out of Oklahoma City, OK called Men At The Cross. He's doing great, trying to keep himself healthy and strong (trying to avoid having another heart attack). My mom's still working hard as a teacher and getting some leadership stuff done for her to move up in her position right now in the school system. My oldest sister and her kids are doing great... getting ready for Christmas as are my little brother and little sister.

During my quiet times the past couple of days, God has just been reminding me through scripture, music, friends and videos who I am...

I am his child, his disciple, his ambassador and he has faith in me!

Right now I'm just trying to hold on to that and remind myself that day in and day out and that no matter what may happen to me whether it comes to school, family, relationships... whatever, I can hold on to that truth and know that I was chosen, I have been given authority and I've been sent out to do God's will and to fulfill God's plan for this world and that He, the God of the universe, has faith in me!! And I should not be afraid...

Well that's it for now! Hopefully I don't take as long to post stuff the next time... later!
~Jeanne;)

Woah... I really need to keep up with this thing...

2008-10-03T12:00:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! Sorry its been a while... but of course college can do that to someone. I just finished one of my tests here at the college today and was able to get a bit of free time before I have to get started on an essay for my English class. So here's my life...

Life has been pretty good so far. I've been meeting new people all over and enjoying the new life I have here at Atlanta Christian College. The work load is a little bit on the "more than I like" side but I've been doing quite well in all of my classes so its not too bad I guess. I've met quite a few people here at the college who are absolutely amazing! We also had a chance this past week, as a college - faculty and students alike - to take a day off from the norm of ACC and go out to do ministry work in Atlanta. We all had so much fun and enjoyed ourselves immensely but were completely spent by the end of the day! A good spent... like knowing you put forth everything you had to offer - strength, love, intellect and passion - into reaching out to the people in the area trying to get them to catch a glimpse of Christ's love in us and see it come through us to these people! I felt like I was back on the mission field that day... I enjoyed it completely!

I do ask however that you guys be in prayer for a few people: my dad lost his job and is looking for a new one. He's got a family of 8 to provide for so please pray that he finds something soon! Also pray for our college - its in the process of making a decision to move to a new site so it grow and its down to two opitions: Newnan, GA or Peachtree City, GA. I would really love it to be in Newnan cause that's where I grew up (just my opinion though). Just pray that the best choice will be made. Also pray for me as I continue to seek hard after God and his will for my life!

Hope all is well! God bless and hopefully I'll talk to ya soon!

~Jeanne ;)

My first blog in a long time... didn't think I would be doing this again...

2008-09-10T17:40:00.000-04:00

Hey everyone! Its been awhile... for some of you, y'all were following my adventures in Mexico the previous year through the blogs I posted on the AIM website. I really didn't think I would be doing this again and then I thought it might be a good thing that people actually know what I'm going through now. Even though I'm not in Mexico but in Southwest Atlanta (East Point, GA) instead of being home with my family I still think that God is going to grow me and mature me in many ways here on the campus of Atlanta Christian College. I really can't wait to see what's in store for me...

So in case for some of you who didn't hear... I'M IN COLLEGE!!! That's right, after a 6 year sabbatical from the school system I'm back and man is it already getting tough for me. Essays, tests, quizzes, reports, reading, note taking... its crazy. (Yeah go ahead and laugh it up you college grads). So of course I'm dealing with the new phase in my life and meeting the new people here at the school. Its great and I've met a lot of amazing people already and I'm already famous here too! Last week at our Chapel meeting we do here at the college I made a presentation about my missions trip to Mexico in front of the entire staff and student body here at the school! Anywho besides all that I did have a bit of tragedy hit too: a very close personal friend our family passed away this week and I'm planning on going to the funeral for it. So life is moving in so many different directions right now for me I'm fighting just to try and stay focus on God and his will right now... we'll see how it goes and hopefully if anything else it'll be amusing for you guys...

And Lord don't even get me started on the men around here....

Later!

~Jeanne ;)