Hey guys! Hope all is going well for ya! Just needed to vent a bit and really in all honesty just ask you guys to be in prayer for me right now...

Well first of all, Summer... during this time it should be restful and relaxing time for me (since I'm not taking any classes) but unfortunately its not. I'm one of those people for some reason that, when left in seclusion long enough, I begin to start thinking about the future and start worrying about it. I know I shouldn't and I wish I could just stop worrying but that's the problem: I've never learned how to make myself do that. Trust me I wish I could but for whatever reason... I can't. Trying to take my mind off of it for time does help some but I know I can't do that forever; plus, it always comes back and hits me like a tsunami wave. Why? I don't know... issues with trusting God, uncertainty of the future, second guessing the choices I've made in life thus far, etc. Trust me though, there are some things I know for certain that I don't regret or second guess myself for doing: my missions trip to Mexico, starting school, dating my best friend whom I love, respect and adore, all the friends I've made here at TFC and at ACC (or Point University as they call themselves now). There is so much stuff (and people) I would have missed out on if I hadn't done what I have done. I just wish for peace right now in my troubled mind...



Of course because of this, my first and overwhelming reaction is to run for it! Run away and move on to something else and just start wondering on through life again. For whatever reason, I still have this reaction after all this time of me trying to trust in God and move in the direction that it seems God wants me to go in. But I know that the things I truly want and desire in life I'm never gonna get if I keep having that mentality and behavior in me. However the longer I stay put, the more worries, the more fear, the more uncertainty builds in me... WHY?! WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?!?! Even through all this I seek God and try to better understand why I'm like this, searching my own heart and soul and trying to understand why I'm like this. Is it because of distrust having a hold of my heart for so long? Is it because of the constant moving about all my life and just learning to be emotionally detached for so long? Never having friends, never allowing myself to be known, never seeking and pursuing to love someone more than myself? Or a combination of a couple of these or all of them? I just don't know...
I do however know this: my God loves me, he has put people in my life who love me too and that no matter how much I worry whatever it may be I always make it through. Yes, it has always cost me something but isn't that the point of being a Christian? Yes we have the freedom and right to choose (so really I do have the freedom to run if I wanted to) but I know that if I do I would be turning my back on God, his will for me and those that I love most in life. I'm scared... I'm uncertain... I'm doubtful... but I choose to still try and walk on (even though at times it feels like I'm crawling on my hands and knees just to move forward). Why? Because in the end - no matter how eloquently I put it - it's seems to be the right thing to do and I know what I do the right thing that pleases God, my heavenly Father.
Also during this time, I finished Emerson Eggerichs' book "Love and Respect" and this quote that I read has pretty much haunted me for the past couple of days: "James 4:2 [You do not have because you do not ask] does not refer to asking God for health and wealth. It is talking about asking for power to cope with life's real problems. If anything is heard in heaven, it is the unselfish prayer, based on the heart of God. Too many people pray, 'God, here is what is on my heart. Please fulfill my desires for me.' What we should be praying is, 'God, here is what is on your heart. Please fulfill your desires in me.'" I guess right now I'm trying to figure that out too...

Well that's it for now! I'm heading home to see my family for the first time in a while! Gonna try and enjoy the rest of this summer as much as I can and not think too much about the future... hope to hear/see some of y'all soon! Later days!

~Jeanne :)