Hey guys! Hope all is going well for ya... taking a break right now from all the studying, paper writing and reading so thanks for being my escape... :)

Well... as they say, "A picture is worth a thousand words", the above pic shows I'm pretty overwhelmed. All the assignments, tests, papers and such are all coming at me super fast and I'm not use to this level of academics yet. Seriously, I said it last time and I'll say it again, this is a whole different ballgame now for me. I thought I would survive college pretty well but now I'm doubting some... I literally feel like I'm about to drown here in a bit. Thankfully I have some friends who I've been able to hang out with and get away with and just enjoy life with! Thanks guys... :) I've also been going through and becoming okay with the fact that even though I have a desire for missions and all, it may be that I not return to the mission field for a long time, if ever. That now my mission field is outside the church doors, in the classroom and public school system where I'll be teaching later on and wherever else God wants me to minister in my culture. So, we'll see... :)



Well, the next two sections are going to be pretty close in topic so bear with me. Right now… God is really putting me through the ringer when it comes to the topic of love like he never has before. After learning some pretty intense stuff last week with being content with my loneliness (if you don’t know, pause here and go check out my last blog), I’ve kept pursuing God and keeping him in the center of all this area of my life. Honestly, to me, its somewhat still a thorn in my side, as the Apostle Paul would say. I’ve told quite a few different people about what I’ve experienced and one of them, a very wise older lady in my life – kind of a mentor for me you could say – asked me about my past and present relationships with guys. After a quick cry session reliving through some heartaches, I proceeded to tell her that besides the fact that no guys have tried to ask me out, I just wanted to focus on me and try and fix me before I ever got into a serious relationship with anyone. “Is that your only reason why you aren’t in a relationship?” she asked. “Well… yeah…” I replied. What she said next literally blindsided me, “If that’s the only reason, sweetie, then you’ll never be in a relationship.” ((,O.O,)) “Wait… does that I mean I’m ready for one then?” “I don’t see why not, honey…” Confused, huh? Yeah… me too! Here I was learning to be content and staying in this process of thinking that something was wrong with me that I needed to fix. Truth is, if all you do is focus on trying to fix one area of thinking/behaving or whatever else in order to fix other areas, you’ll never be fixed. You figure these things out as you go along and with someone else there, you get even more help in fixing it! Love and loving others (whether as friends or more) is risky but when it’s true, selfless, honest and most importantly God-ordained and God-center, it’s worth it. A good deal of my life I was taught or encourage to take control and as time went on I began to become somewhat of a control freak. Risking is something I’m not use to doing and now with all this… I have to learn to become comfortable in the uneasiness. I know now I’m not really brave, I really don’t have courage, I don’t have control. What I’ve realized is I can’t compartmentalize my life especially when it comes to love. True love and truly loving others can’t be categorized and place in a box in a certain section of my mind/heart/soul. Love is the one thing that flows freely in and out of all those areas and what binds them together to make somebody them. I was talking to my mom about this and she told me about love being risky as well as that I’ve got to live life, risk and yeah I might make mistakes but as long as I learn from them, I would have lived life and loved like I had never before. Friends and those who are more than that won't have to come up with some reason to call you, come hang out/see you - they'll just come, just because they love you. I realize now that I’m ready… and now it’s all about patience and loving others selflessly.



Well this section is pretty close to the last one but it's different enough. God has begun to show me how this is the one area of my life I've been pretty selfish in. He's been showing me that being in a relationship isn't about me, its about the other person and if I start right into it with that being my main reason I'm getting into it, to feel loved, then its already doomed. Regardless whether its friendship or something more, if it isn't about the other person then it isn't true, there was some other ulterior motive. There have been some friendships and other relationships I've gotten into for other reasons than truly loving them and so guys I want to ask for your forgiveness. I ask that you would show me the grace and mercy I know I don't deserve and forgive me for having other motives behind being a friend or whatever else to you. I'm sorry... I made these relationships about me and not so much about you. I used the feelings that I have felt to benefit me and not use them to learn how to love and show love to others. I'm now learning, thanks to God, how to truly love: by serving others limitless. I've started writing something on my wrist to remind me to do this: "Serve them, not me." Again, I haven't been a true sister in Christ to you and I beg for y'all's forgiveness for that. I am truly and deeply sorry... :*(

I want to end this blog with 2 Corinthians 12:2-6 where right now, I kinda feel like Paul and God, he's being himself:

"I will boast, but about myself I will not boast, except about my weaknesses. Although if I should wish to boast, I would not be foolish, for I would be telling the truth. But I refrain, so that no one may think more of me than what he sees in me or hears from me because of the abundance of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not become too elated,a thorn in the flesh was given to me, an angel of Satan, to beat me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I begged the Lord about this, that it might leave me, but he said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me.Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

Its not about me... its about God being glorified. Love you guys... later days!

~Jeanne;)