Hey guys! Hope all is going well! I know I've gone through alot (so this might be long) so lets get to the nitty-gritty shall we? ;)

Well... midterms have come to Toccoa Falls College. Its really hard because I have never really had to take midterms before so I've gotten somewhat stressed out. Its just alot at once; some of the midterms aren't that bad because they are just regular tests... so no big! However, some of these exams are NO JOKE! Like today, I had to take a Hermeneutics test today... took me TWO HOURS TO DO!! Some of these exams require me to have to review 30-50 pages of material in order to prepare for the test! XS Its ridiculous! Right now I just need some prayers in not getting too overwhelmed... trust me, me getting overwhelmed is NOT a pretty thing... >.<



So this past weekend I went on a prayer retreat and let me tell ya... I NEEDED IT!! XD Absolutely a wonderful Sabbath for me; I didn't do anything with school and I didn't worry about a dang thang! :) Now... where to start... well the first night after worshiping together, the girls and guys were split up and we started into our groups with our guest speakers. The lady who led it (I can't remember her name) but she was pretty good. She talked about the loads that we girls carry around and how they burden us - Past guilt, Poor self-image, Anger, Dishonesty, Comparison, Unforgiveness and Worry. She told alot of amazing stories and made some great points but it was her message the next day that really got me more - The sacrifice of praise. Boiling down all that she said, with everything that goes on in our world, praising God isn't easy so the very act seems to be so laborious or even disgruntling. But the thing we don't really realize is why we are called to praise God; not just for him to receive glory but more so that the very act of praise is a direct act of obedience to God. Yes its hard to praise and everything but it wouldn't be called a SACRIFICE of praise if it wasn't hard to find! Its not just about it being a reaction to good things happening to us, its not about us having to or us feeling obligated. Its about us willingly doing it, us choosing to doing it even when things aren't going well and the pain of life, relationships, etc is still there. That's why through out the psalms you see David saying "I will praise you", "I will exalt you", "I will...". He was choosing to praise God whether he was in his palace and living in paradise or whether he was on the run from his half crazed father in law camping out in caves or dodging his egotistical son. The circumstances didn't decide for him when to praise God. He chose when to do it... out of obedience to God.
During that same day, I was given five hours of solitude in which I was to use it to just get closer to God. Well I knew I also had a requirement for my spiritual formations class to do this solitude and work through some stuff in this spiritual profile I took for the class... so I used that time for it. I chose 5 issues and worked through them. First of all lets just say its a good thing it was just me and God cause.... it got rough. I worked through a couple of different things (mind I'm still in process and haven't overcome them all) but it was good. When I really boil it down, it comes to these things: Trusting, Anxiety, Frustration, Instability and Distance. Now I know you saw trusting and thought "But I thought she worked through that already?" And yes, I have but that doesn't mean I've conquered it. Yeah, I'm learning to trust people more but that doesn't mean that I've fixed my concept of trust when it comes to God. As much as I may/may not trust people is a reflection of my trust in God... see what I mean in fixing that concept? I've learned so many new truths about him now that its time for that part of our relationship to get revamped and totally overhauled! Now when it comes to anxiety and frustration... those I'm still working out and hopefully I'll have something to report on those later. :)



Now one of the big topics that really surprised me and I didn't even think or really know that it was affecting me and God's relationship was that of instability. I really didn't think much about it because I really chalked it up to me moving around so much and not living in a place for too long that I developed certain concepts (like my trusting issues, keeping people at arm's length, not developing relationships, etc.). But it was really when God brought one particular dream/desire to mind that I could see what he really wanted. You see, I've always wanted to find a place to settle down in and no longer be a wanderer in this world, to find a place where I'm wanted, accepted and even loved - like I did when I was growing up in Newnan, Ga when it was still a small town. Unfortunately because of all the moving around and with life coming at me and my family the way it has over the years, I don't feel I belong anywhere - not even in my own parents' home - and I still don't (no offense mom and dad). All I want to do is find that place - find MY home - and do everything to get there and finally... rest. Yes, rest because in all honestly, that's all I have felt like I've been doing; that I fight every day just to survive this thing we call life and not just because I make it out alive... but because I want to find where I belong, to find my home where I find people who are there for me and people who are willing to help me in this uneven fight. Maybe even find an incredible man of God who is willing to help me fight, who is willing to "put up his dukes" even though he knows how strong of a fighter I am... all because he loves me. Anywho, I didn't realize how BIG of an issue this was until God showed it to me. I asked God "Will I ever have that? A place where I belong, a place called home?" And he told me, "Jeanne, the thing is because of you accepting the instability of this world, it has leaked into your own image and perception of me. You think I'm a fickle god who will promise one thing but then punish the blazes out of you if you do something right. You know, you KNOW I'm not like that..." "I know, God. And I am so sorry. I know it in my head... please start getting me to know it in my heart." and I just cried. "Start finding in me where you belong and the rest will come..."

So yeah... that's where I'm at right now. I'm really trying to apply these things and learn more as life goes on. Thanks for reading... hey, if you made it to the end of this blog then you deserve a cookie and a pat on the back! LOL!;D Love ya guys and I hope to hear/see ya soon! Later days!

~Jeanne;)