Hey there guys! Hope everything has been going well... I know its been a while so I have some catching up to do... :)

So Halloween was pretty awesome! My best friend Rich invited me to attend his youth's Halloween costume party with him and so naturally I accepted... and even surprised him with my costume. He had told me earlier in the month what he was going as so I worked it to get an Alice costume and it worked! The party was a blast and I got to meet his kids as well as some of the parents and workers in the youth ministry (all of them are incredibly sweet people)! It was awesome... We also got to watch the AMC premiere of "Walking Dead", a TV series about zombies and it takes place... in Atlanta! It was really good. So now with November beginning and Thanksgiving just around the corner, that means for me I only have 4 weeks left in the semester! Crazy stuff... but awesome! :D




So yeah... in case you thought you read that wrong in the title, I'll assure you that you didn't. I have officially begun to change my major this past week from History Education to a Christian Education degree - Family and Children's Ministry. Why you may ask? Well to get to the nitty-gritty of it all: I realized real quick after getting involved in more of the history classes here and teacher education classes here at Toccoa Falls, this really wasn't for me. Don't get me wrong... I love history and hearing stories and the like but I figured out real quick that as I began getting into it, I was already beginning to lose my passion for it! I knew I had to stop what I was doing and figure out real quick what it was that I was meant to do. Of course I went back to the beginning of it all and asked, "Well do I want to teach?" Yes! I love teaching... but what exactly was the question. So as I thought more and more about it, I suddenly realized that the only times I'm really enjoying teaching and could never get dull or lose passion was when I was in ministry, specifically Children's ministry. So I began to prayerfully seek God in all this. Was this really what he wanted me to do? Well as I began the process of looking at the CE degree and drop my history stuff, everything began to automatically fall into place. Now, my adviser has been officially changed from an Teacher education adviser over to a CE adviser and my schedule has been set for next semester to include 3 CE classes. I ask that y'all keep me in your prayers and that God would continue to show me the way in all this. :)



Well here's something that really came out of left field for me: earlier this week, I was told by a friend of mine how they liked that I'm a strong, independent woman. Of course, naturally, anyone would take that as a compliment (which of course I did) but it caught me so off guard how much it made me feel uncomfortable. Now the context in which they used it, I knew what they meant (internal strength and all) and took it as a compliment and really was flattered by it but I realized quickly that there was something that I have had an issue with and never really dealt with till now. See, when I was younger (and even still today) I was actually teased for being stronger than most girls (acting/behaving like a tomboy didn't help either) and so I thought myself somewhat of a freak for it. In today's culture and societies, women who are strong and independent are praised and admired. I know that and understand that and was in fact raised to be a strong, independent, Southern Christian woman but I realized real quick that to me, it seemed to be a curse. Think about it... what is usually said about those kind of women? "Wow, they are strong and independent and don't need anyone..." (Don't need anyone = alone, which I'm terrified of becoming). My whole life, I was naturally strong (physically) and in time I felt like I had to develop a strong personality and character (internal strength) in order to be what I needed to be for others, especially my family. As time went on, I soon saw how people wouldn't be close to me or think that I didn't need anyone so they would either just not be my friend or leave me. My natural response to that? In order not to lose face, I acted like I didn't care and it didn't hurt and moved on (and with being a pastor's kid always moving around, it made matters worse). The problem is it did hurt... and so all these scars and pains developed. If I let my guard down and try to let myself be weak, people (especially those closest to me) would tell me to suck it up and deal with it. So I would try...
The thing is I've been this way for years and years and have gone through so much in my life and still had to pull myself up by my bootstraps for myself and at times for others... and I'm tired. I want to be weak, I want to be vulnerable... I want to be like everyone else for once but I feel like I'm not allowed to be that way. Everyone thinks that I don't get hurt and that certain things don't affect me the same way it affects them because I'm so strong. The thing is it does affect me; I just know how to hide it and know when to deal with it. I hurt, I lust, I bleed, I get jealous, I get angry just like the next person. Just for once, I want to be the person looking for help, needing help and for once there actually be someone there who is willing to sacrifice for me because they love me that much and they want to help me. I feel like because people think I'm so strong that I can sacrifice more and I'm willing to sacrifice more than they can or do. So of course to make everyone else happy and to show how much I love them and for me to gain acceptance, I do sacrifice and I feel like that's all I do at times... and that no one is willing or does do it for me.
In the end, it seems like being strong and independent dooms a girl in two ways: being alone and continuously sacrificing for others with no one to pour into you. At least, that what it seems like to me... :*(



So, on a bit of a lighter note, recently with all the praying that I've been doing about what God wants me to do and whether or not he wants me doing ministry, I've actually had a couple of cool things happen to me. First of all, I've been having this position brought to me time and time again through out this semester but I don't know when and how it will happen: being a mentor to someone. Now to me, I think I need more mentoring than being the mentor to someone but for whatever reason, I've had a couple of instances where this was presented to me and touched my heart. I'm still praying about it so we will see what develops next. Also I've also had a dream/vision this past week of which eyes were being opened and then coming closer and closer to me until it seemed like they were being placed over my eyes. Like I was stepping into these eyes and wearing them as my eyes... I don't know what it means but I'm hoping to figure it out soon.

Well that's it for now! Hope y'all had a great Halloween and I hope that November finds you nice and warm yet enjoying some wonderful Fall(ish) things too! :) Later days!

~Jeanne;)